Posts Tagged ‘unwanted divorce results’
Have you ever noticed that being a separated/divorced Parent blows? Oh sure you might be happy to be out of a toxic relationship, but Parenting is really a 2 person job. After all, how can 1 Parent be in 3 different places at the same time while working overtime? I noticed that when I got divorced work didn’t give me more personal time and/or vacation days. Nope it was during another “economic adjustment” time, so I was expected to work a larger territory and produce a bigger quota. Why is it single digit aged kids don’t understand the importance of work?
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe those kids understand what is truly important? Perhaps the “importance” of work is right where it needs to be..some where below Family and above making the bed/picking up after themselves. Many times a Parent and especially a Single Parent will feel they have to work twice as hard to make more than they ever made before because their expenses are way more than they have ever been.
I know this happened to me. It cost me a lot more to be a Single Dad than it did to be a married Dad. Money was going to support the children and I still had to support them at my house. Alimony fortunately was not an issue, but for many it is. Private School tuition, supporting birthdays and holidays on your own, rent/mortgage on your “new” place, the additional costs just keep adding up. How to pay for them? Work longer and harder and hope for more pay.
I was fortunate enough to sit through a sales meeting around year 2 of being a Single Dad. I can not remember the speaker’s name, only that the meeting took place in Arizona and the speaker talked about the difference between “having a good day” and “making it a good day”. I was floored by the simplicity of the idea. I was working longer and harder hoping I would “have” more money at the end of the day. Instead I could focus on working smarter and more effectively and “make” more money. To this day, I am pretty sure my Company didn’t have that speaker give the Key Note talk at our Sales Meeting, thinking his message was to work less, but smarter and make more, but I am very glad they did.
Bottom line I got back to town and started doing my research on my prospects and setting up strategic meetings around my 1st priority meetings..my children’s events. I started closing more deals, actually got more appointments (“I can’t meet at 3 because I am going to a Teacher Parent Conference for one of my kids, can we meet at 2:00, I promise to only take 30 minutes of your time.”). I also started using “Make it a super day” in place of Sincerely, or Regards on all my letters (ok, I am very OLD because back in the day email was just starting to be accepted in business) and put that greeting on all my answering machines. I still have clients who refer to me as the “super day” guy, and that’s a good thing because they remember who I am.
Making every day a super one, did not cause all my struggles to go away. It didn’t make me become a non Single Parent. It had zero influence on reducing my bills. What it did do was allow me to focus on the people and things in my life which brought me happiness and comfort. In the process I made memories no one will ever be able to take away from me. I was able to be my kid’s Parent on their time and schedule not someone else’s. Even when I drove my kids crazy with Daddy mistakes, I always knew that if I stepped back and focused I could figure out a way to “make it a super day”..
Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
Look around; everywhere you look you will see that the Christmas/Holiday Season is upon us. This is the time of year when our young kids start to really try and behave. Teachers look forward to a couple of weeks of no kids. Neighbors become Clark Griswald wannabees. Stores have massive sales, both in-store and on-line. Friends become friendlier. There is a nip in the air and maybe snow on the ground. A wonderful awesome time of the year.
With all this joy and comfort and yule-tide happiness all around you..why are you feeling like crap? How can you not be filled with happiness? Why are you tired all the time? What is going on? Why does this time of year constantly bring out these feelings in you. How can you spend so much time “snapping” at your kids when they are trying to act like angels?
Now I am NOT any type of MD, but I am a Single Dad, and have been there done that for the past 15 years. Granted each year gets better and easier to deal with, but dagnabit, the Holiday Season always reminds me that for whatever reason my Family is not going to be sitting around the tree enjoying a traditional celebration. I get depressed. I know it is coming and I do things to head it off. However, I still battle a mild form a depression year after year.
Probably not the Christmas message you were expecting to hear, but a very real happening for many Divorced Parents. I have spent a lot of time searching for the “why” behind these feeling. And I was very surprised with what I came up with. I truly believe the biggest reason behind my mild depression was the result of repressed anger. 15 years later and I am still “angry” that I am not spending Christmas the way I dreamed of spending Christmas as a kid.
How many of you are holding back..keeping this anger bottled up inside you…never expressing that you are pissed to be Divorced? Yes, we sit around with our buddies talking about the Ex and how messed up the system is. BUT have you ever just come out and expressed that you are angry about being alone/divorced? I finally did in the paragraph above. Yep, took me 15 years to finally admit out loud what I have known for a long time. Getting Divorced sucks and it did not fit into my dreams of being a Dad.
Anger is a big reason why so many Single Dad’s struggle with being successful. Everytime we are faced with a “what do I do” scenario with our kids, good ole anger is in the back ground (this would be a problem if there were 2 adults..how should I know how to cook, I know how to change the oil and mow the lawn..which brand of “pads” is best for a teenager..etc). When you get angry your ability to perform your best is diminished.
So this Christmas/Holiday Season do yourself a favor. Express your anger. Be honest that everything isn’t perfect. Meet your depression head on. Take every opportunity to Love your children and spend as much quality time with them as you can. Rediscover how amazing the next few weeks truly are. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
One of the most common things people say in a divorce situation is “It is all about the child/children.” In fact I would be willing to bet that at some point you and/or your Ex sat down together or alone with your kids and said something along the lines of “Mommy and Daddy will always LOVE YOU. However, we don’t LOVE each other anymore.”
Do we really think kids are that STUPID? Here is a youngster being told…I’ll always LOVE YOU while in the same breath being told “That person who I knew before you were born..well I don’t LOVE her anymore”. What is a child supposed to think? Is it any wonder their little brains are confused with the whole Mommy and Daddy aren’t together anymore thoughts?
Do not believe for a minute that you and your Ex talking with your child is going to make everything all right. If y’all were such great communicators you would probably still be married to begin with. Because of this you must be on the look out for emotional issues with your child.
The sooner you get help for your child the easier it will be to get a handle on the problem. Do not think you can do this alone. Even if you are medically trained in psychology..this is your child you are talking about. You think you already know the answers. Do your child and yourself a favor and seek Outside Professional help.
What should you look out for? Here are a few..by no means all..things to watch out for:
• Constant stomach ache without throwing up or a fever (ulcer)
• Excessive crying when leaving the house or a Parent (separation anxiety)
• Anger outbursts, uncontrollable temper, hitting, biting, scratching themselves or others
• Not able to sleep, bed wetting, reverting back to early child hood
• Yelling, cussing, unable to carry on normal conversation
• Refusal to do homework, losing homework, poor grades (attention seeking)
• Stop saying I Love You and/or kissing you hello or goodnight
• No longer taking care of their pet (just like you stopped taking care of them)
• Change in normal attitude/behavior
• Stopping a like for activities (sports, clubs, music, etc)
Monitor your child’s actions. Keep a journal. Be prepared to see things your Ex doesn’t. Always keep a dialog open with your Ex about behavior. After all my friend…it really is “All about the Children.”
Now go do what you need to do to,
Make it a super day,
Kevin
