Posts Tagged ‘Single Mom’
Moving from one side of the US to the other side was an awesome adventure/road trip. Although I did not experience too many Clark Griswold moments, it wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part. This is a big ole Country and when you start off your trip West by going South and East, one is bound to run into their fair share of situations. However, with the help of my trusty GPS and an ice chest full of Coke Zero, I survived and somehow made it to Boise, Idaho. Just in time for more rain than they have ever had in the month of May. So I got that going for me.
Now, I find myself moving into my apartment. Do not ever fool yourself into believing that downsizing is an easy thing to do. Going from 3000 square feet to 1000 aint easy, mostly due to the lack of space to “put/hide” stuff until you get around to doing what ever it was you planned on doing with it. Too bad my complex does not have a real garage where I can stash all the extra boxes of stuff. Looks like I will be renting some storage after all.
There has been one awesome highlight of unpacking, and thanks to this highlight the process is taking 3 or 4 times as long as it should. I am talking about the pictures and photo albums I brought with me. I have been enjoying 23 years of memories. The best part is the pictures are in no particular order. I will open a box and carefully wrapped will be Ziplocs of pictures from the late 90’s, another will have baby pictures, goofy pictures, teenage pictures, every year (up until 3 years ago when I switched from film to digital) of my kid’s lives are right there in front of me. I am re-living the “good” parts of our lives, after all most of us don’t pull the camera out to capture sad we use it to capture good.
I know somehow someway I will figure out how to preserve these memories for myself and my kids. Those simple pictures have given me the greatest joy. My decision to be a Dad first has been validated. I would not trade a moment captured in the pictures for any amount of money or job title. The laughter and tears I have enjoyed the past couple of days are truly priceless.
I encourage all of you Parents reading my blog to take some time this weekend and capture your joy of being a Parent. Nothing in this world is more important than the relationship between a Child and Parent. Do yourself a huge favor and create your memories of these awesome times. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a Super Day,
Kevin
One of the smartest things I did after my divorce was to start to listen and observe the interactions between children and their parents. Did not matter if I was in the store, Church, Library, Restaurant, Ball Fields, on a walk, the Golf Course, anywhere, I was always watching and learning what works and what didn’t work. At first I concentrated on “actions” and kept a notebook full of observations. As time went on I added sound and surrounding to the mix. Over the years, I have become pretty good at my stealth fact finding, although every now and then one of my kids will tell me to stop staring and acting like a creeper!
I’m telling ya Dad’s, you can learn a lot watching others. One of the big things I have noticed is the different ways people react to the same situation. We are all hard wired to behave in certain ways. All of life to this point has made you who you are. Because of this you react certain ways, however, at any time of our lives we can change the wiring and start to react differently. I’m sure if you spend some time thinking about this you will understand what I am saying. Think about the evolution of your ability to drive a car. When faced with an emergency you react based upon what you have learned (driving in rain or snow or ice). For example, people who grew up driving in real snow are clueless how to drive in Southern snow (ice).
Along with observing I started to ask parents why they reacted the way they did. Their reasons almost always go back to “That’s how I was raised”. I believe I can best explain this if we use a restaurant as an example. Picture separate tables at your favorite “family’ friendly restaurant, and think back to the kid’s actions. One table the parent is constantly ‘shushing” and giving directions to their kid’s to sit straight, be quiet, don’t put 10 sugar packets into the glass with 5 lemons and water, stop talking loud, stop hitting your sibling, be patient the food will be here soon, etc. Another has no kids sitting at it because they are up and playing video games or hanging out in the front of the restaurant. A third has a group discussion going on about school or sports or the other families at the restaurant. Finally the fourth has a calm and relaxed parent sitting at a table of kids who are clam and relaxed just being kids (sitting quietly, getting up, going to the bathroom, coloring, reading, texting, talking, laughing, walking around, spilling stuff, eating all the crackers out of the basket, etc).
So how can you have 4 families at the same restaurant in the same environment acting in 4 completely different ways? I will bet you it has everything to do with how the adult was raised and nothing to do with the atmosphere at the restaurant. Which way is the best? That depends on your definition of “best”. Table 4 might be best for the adult, table 2 might be best for the kids, table 3 might be best for family and table 1 might be best for making you laugh at the poor adult’s efforts to raise perfect(?) children. There are no right and wrong ways. There are only ways that work best for you. If you see a family having a meal together and you like the interaction and parenting style, go ask the parent to share with you how they were able to make it happen. You might be surprised at just how easy it is.
Now y’all don’t have to limit your observations to a restaurant. Everywhere you go you have an opportunity to see new and exciting ways to parent. Do not feel embarrassed to ask “How do you do that?” people love to share stories about their kids. And we all love to share stories about how we did it right. Watch, talk, listen and learn. That is what being a Parent is all about. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY
I thought that in light of today being Mother’s Day, I would let one of my “go-to” single Mom friends share some incredible advice. I have told y’all many times that I do not have all (many times my kids would argue any) the answers. Therefore, I am constantly asking Moms, Dads, Single Parents, Grandparents, Teachers, Coaches, etc for advice on best practices for raising kids. My friend Annamarie is one of those “go-to” friends. Here is some sage advice she shared with me.
“..this may not apply to all single parents but one of the BEST pieces of advice i got when i was going thru my divorce was from my sister’s friend dodi (who’d been there, done that…) who told me you don’t have to bad mouth your children’s father, nor do you need to tell them the (whole) truth if he’s not a role model father/husband/man, etc… your kids are intelligent and some day, they will grow up and come to their own conclusions about the man they call dad…it’s not about shielding them from the truth, it’s more about taking the higher road, not ‘gossiping’, not focusing on someone else’s shortfalls. Kids turn into adults and someday…man it seems forever sometimes when you’re biting your tongue…someday, down the road, your kid will look you in the eye and say something that makes you realize they know…they accept and they understand, and they figured it out themselves! It doesn’t really change anything for them – they still love this man for who he is to THEM…but hopefully they gain an understanding for the other parent’s decision”.
Did y’all notice that you have no clue what if anything her husband did to her way. We don’t know what was involved in breaking them up. We don’t know what her kids came to realize and share with their Mom. All we know is that while her kids were growing up, my friend was able to bite her tongue and not be mean towards her kid’s Dad. What an incredible gift of advice for those of us strong enough to accept it, Thank you Annamarie. Now go do what you have to do to….
Make it a super day,
Kevin
A divorced single Mom friend of mine called me up the other day and surprised me with the topic of her call. She told me that “I was right” in what I said a few years ago. OK, I love to be right about something, but at my advanced age, I’ll be darned if I had a clue what she was talking about. I told her thanks for saying I was right, but could she please tell me what I was right about so I could do more of that what ever it was to be right. Her laughter at my cluelessness is still makes me smile.
It seems that a few years back we were talking about her kids and the changes she could expect as they grew older. Specifically, I imparted 2 bits of expert advice on the future. Number 1 was that when her 2nd and 3rd kids got old enough to drive she would go out of her way to make sure they got their license as soon as possible and where on the road asap. Number 2 was that her “perfect angel” youngest would one day make her eldest’s escapades seem angelic in comparison.
Yep folks I nailed those predictions. Not because I am a fortune teller, but because I have been there done that and survived to tell the stories. There are many more predictions I could make for that very reason. Been there done that survived to tell the stories is not something you just get as you grow older. It is a gift you earn as you parent your children through out their lives. I know the things my kids experienced, and I bet your kids will enjoy many of those same experiences.
2 very important sources of how I parented as a Single Dad came from listening to older kids and other parents of older kids. I heard the older kids through volunteering to be a Sunday school teacher. Amazing the stories you can learn as a “cool” adult teaching Sunday school. Additionally, when I met a Parent (single or married, male or female) I was always asking them what to expect or be prepared for next. I truly believe that one of the best ways to learn about the future is to talk with someone who has been there done that survived to tell the stories.
I urge you to find your Advice givers. Seek them out. Always get all sides of the situations input..kids, parents, teachers, coaches. Learn from their wisdom. Learn from their mistakes. Learn from their failures. Just learn all you can from where ever you can. I guarantee that entire knowledge base will payoff in amazing ways for you and your kids.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
As a Divorced Dad, I am sure that many many times in the past what you have said has been “misheard”, “twisted around”, just ignored. Guess what? It happens and that is one of the biggest reasons marriages collapse. Failure to communicate is way up there according to the “experts”. What we say can and will always be listened to and taking to heart, even when we are not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We said it…we get credit for meaning it.
I bet you really didn’t start reading my blog today expecting or wanting to get told your communication skills blow. Trust me it was not my intention to go down this road. But I overheard a statement the other night that floored me. It has taken me 2 days to play the conversation over and over in my brain trying to figure out the best way to share the message. In the end I believe the best way is to just be direct. Tell it like I have heard it many times in my life.
I heard a son (age 13) say “My Dad makes me so mad”. Now the Dad in question is a good friend of mine. A Single Dad, who went through a messy divorce he never wanted. He is single and his Ex is shacked up with the dude she left him for. Yet here is his son saying “My Dad makes me so mad”. A little back ground. The statement came as Dad was talking about going on a vacation and his son said he never went on vacations with the Family. I guess the ski trip with his 4 kids over the winter didn’t constitute “Family” nor did the week on the Florida panhandle summer of 2009. Nope the son very matter of factly proclaimed Dad didn’t go on Family vacations.
Dad left to go get another pitcher of Diet Coke, and I took the opportunity to ask what his son meant. Turns out that the last couple of vacations the “Family” went on, Dad left early with some sort of excuse leaving the kids to be with Mom. Now we are getting somewhere. The “vacation” proclamation was at least 3 years old, and I know for a fact “Dad” left one of the vacations because mom’s boyfriend showed up and he caught them in the hotel while everyone else was down at the beach. Instead of making a big scene, Dad left. Thinking he was doing the “right” thing. Turns out he was being made to be the scape goat in ruining the vacation.
Here though is why “Dad makes me so mad” statement was made. It turns out in “protecting” his kids from what was going on between their parents; Dad blamed leaving on the 1) weather, 2) work issues and 3) whinny kids. Can you guess which reason his son latched onto? Yes Sir, Dad left the vacation because of my behavior. That is why “Dad makes me so mad”. My friend thought he was protecting his kids from grown up issues, when in fact he was transferring the “blame” onto his kids. A casual statement, a fill in the blank type statement, and your child remembers 3+ years later and is still mad at you for ruining a vacation.
Remember Dads everything you say is being listened to by your kids. Comments you make to the neighbor in the back yard, on your cell phone, at the ball game, at the store, you name it and either your kids are listening or their spies (aka their friends) are listening. I once got busted for something I talked about with my neighbors at their house when my kids were on a vacation in Florida. Seems my neighbor’s kid wasn’t really asleep but listening to everything her Parents and I talked about. You may not always be able to tell your children the “Adult version” of what has gone on, but please make sure you don’t spin a yarn that can be taken in any way as something you blame your kids for.
“Dad makes me so mad”, doesn’t have to happen if you take the time to think before you speak. I hope this has been of some help for you. I know there are many moments in my life as a Single Dad I wished I had read this and put into action. You have an opportunity to learn from my mistakes as well as my friend’s. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
