Posts Tagged ‘Single Dad’
As many of you know, I have been Divorced and a Single Parent for the past 15 years. It hasn’t always been the easiest of life situations dealing with all the baggage being a Single Dad puts in your lap, but throughout the time I have strived to learn from my mistakes and go forth with a positive attitude. Tried my be the key word here. I struggled many days, heck there was a 2 year period where I pretty much was just hanging on by a thread, however, I can honestly say the good days beat the bad days 3to1. I still would never recommend become a Single Parent, but am here to let you know that not only does life go on, you can and will survive.
I think what scared me the most over the past years was the “something” which was always nagging me to just say “forget this shit..I give up”. I tried to understand what that something was many different times in many different ways. I just could never get to the “aha” moment where I realized what was always pulling me down when ever I got too up. Deep down I knew something was going on; I just was powerless to do anything about it.
Not a real fun place to be as one does his best to be a Dad to and for his kids. How could I give them my best when I was struggling to understand what was going on in my life? Well the answer to “how could I…” was simple, I just did. Every day and ever moment with my kids I put a smile on my face and willed myself to be outwardly happy to try and provide the best family life possible for my kids when they were with me. I practiced the power of a smile and got damn good at it.
I wanted to share with all of you something crazy exciting. Thanks to a visit to Dr John Turner’s office in Roswell, Georgia, I was able to identify what the ‘something” was that had been messing with me for so many years. That “something” was simple really. It was 100% self caused. I was the only one who was responsible for what was going on. In a nut shell, my problem was that for the past 15 years I had been living a lie. You see on that July day in 1995 when I got the final paperwork in the mail proclaiming my divorce being official, I had told myself, “I am over the pain the divorce caused and I forgive my Ex”.
Guess what folks..Yep you guessed it..I wasn’t “over” and I had not “forgiven” anyone. I just pretended awfully damn well. Or at least I thought I had moved on with zero battle scars to show for it. After all my consumption of Tums and Rolaids and Maalox was nothing more than the results of reflux or some other cool word I learned on the Internet. Thanks to Dr Turner, I was able to realize that I hadn’t put my divorce aside and moved on. Nope, I had just programmed myself to say I was over it. In a very believable manner I might add.
However, every time I called my kid’s mom by anything but her given name, I was only stirring up negative emotions inside my gut and it was time for another Tums. This wasn’t just limited to calling her “the Ex”, it included places I went, food I ate, clothes I wore, smells, going to the Mall, any number of places and things that my wife and I did together. The crazy part of all this was I was 100% clueless my pain and discomfort was because of a failure to move on and accept what happened as happening.
I can now say with full confidence my divorce and everything associated with ‘it” are a part of my past and in no way affect the things I do today. I will no longer refer to my Ex as anything other than her given name. I can eat and experience all that life has to offer on my terms and not on the terms set forth by someone else’s actions. I don’t necessarily ‘forgive”, but I do “accept” what has happened in my life, and I can use that to build a foundation that will allow me to accomplish amazing things. I can be the Successful Single Dad who doesn’t need a medicine closet full of heartburn medication. Maybe, I can put a lot of Rogaine in there instead.
Now go do what you need to do to..
Make it a super day,
Kevin
I know many of you are wondering how a Single Parent can not find the time to update his blog. After all, once one is Divorced there is nothing but time on your hands. It is not as if you have a wife constantly nagging you to “honey do..” do this and do that. Nope the biggest concern should be if I you should watch the entire Master’s coverage today or sneak in 18 holes while everyone else is watching. Commercials are the perfect time to update blogging.
Normally, I would agree with you. Once the kids choose between Mom or Dad house, you either have a house of chaos or a house of quiet. However, when one decides to sell the ole homestead after 23 years, the last couple of weeks can be very stressful and time consuming. Ok, I will be honest, a lot of the time consuming “things” were in fact me sitting around making to-do lists of things to do, or dreading having things to do, or me fixing to get after doing things that need to be done, or..I think you get the picture. I was overwhelmed with the things to do and couldn’t find the time to start doing them.
I finally got the motivation to start doing and stop thinking. My Agent called and scheduled the final walk through on Wednesday night, a mere 48 hours before closing. I haven’t sold many houses, so the concept of a walk was a bit daunting. Especially given the fact that all my good intentions of packing before the movers came, were just that, good intentions. Being the good soldier I am, I asked my Agent what I had to do for the final walk through. He assured me that boxes and in the process of moving were normal, and I just needed to allow the new owners access to the house and let them do their thing.
OK, now I am back to square one, you might remember I had to clean my house before the cleaners could professionally clean my house, and now I had to pack up stuff before the movers could professionally pack up my household stuff. As an old Calvin and Hobes cartoon once said…”My life needs a rewind button”. The process of cleaning and packing and moving had to begin. The luxury of procrastinating was no longer valid in the big scheme of things. The time for action was here and by golly I was being forced to act. So for the last few days I have been burning the candle at both ends and moving out of my house. The closing has come and gone, the locks have been changed, and I am no longer a home owner.
I got to thinking though, that the process of selling my house and moving out was a lot like the process I went through as I became a Single Dad. After thinking about divorce, separating, paying Lawyers, going before the Judge, finding a new place to live, thinking about how to get the house ready for my kids to live with me, the day finally arrived for the final walk through. My kids and I were going to be “home alone” in our new place. All the thinking about what I would or would not do was over. It was time to be a Single Dad and make every moment with my kids count. Some times you just have to stop thinking and planning and ‘fixing to” and just get after it. Just like moving, I couldn’t do it alone and needed my Agent, as a newly Single Dad, you might not be able to do it alone. I encourage you to look for and find a place to learn about the process. Every bit of knowledge you can learn will pay off for years to come. You can sit around and think about learning, or you can just go and start learning. In the end the choice is yours.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a Super Day,
Kevin
As a Divorced Dad, I am sure that many many times in the past what you have said has been “misheard”, “twisted around”, just ignored. Guess what? It happens and that is one of the biggest reasons marriages collapse. Failure to communicate is way up there according to the “experts”. What we say can and will always be listened to and taking to heart, even when we are not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We said it…we get credit for meaning it.
I bet you really didn’t start reading my blog today expecting or wanting to get told your communication skills blow. Trust me it was not my intention to go down this road. But I overheard a statement the other night that floored me. It has taken me 2 days to play the conversation over and over in my brain trying to figure out the best way to share the message. In the end I believe the best way is to just be direct. Tell it like I have heard it many times in my life.
I heard a son (age 13) say “My Dad makes me so mad”. Now the Dad in question is a good friend of mine. A Single Dad, who went through a messy divorce he never wanted. He is single and his Ex is shacked up with the dude she left him for. Yet here is his son saying “My Dad makes me so mad”. A little back ground. The statement came as Dad was talking about going on a vacation and his son said he never went on vacations with the Family. I guess the ski trip with his 4 kids over the winter didn’t constitute “Family” nor did the week on the Florida panhandle summer of 2009. Nope the son very matter of factly proclaimed Dad didn’t go on Family vacations.
Dad left to go get another pitcher of Diet Coke, and I took the opportunity to ask what his son meant. Turns out that the last couple of vacations the “Family” went on, Dad left early with some sort of excuse leaving the kids to be with Mom. Now we are getting somewhere. The “vacation” proclamation was at least 3 years old, and I know for a fact “Dad” left one of the vacations because mom’s boyfriend showed up and he caught them in the hotel while everyone else was down at the beach. Instead of making a big scene, Dad left. Thinking he was doing the “right” thing. Turns out he was being made to be the scape goat in ruining the vacation.
Here though is why “Dad makes me so mad” statement was made. It turns out in “protecting” his kids from what was going on between their parents; Dad blamed leaving on the 1) weather, 2) work issues and 3) whinny kids. Can you guess which reason his son latched onto? Yes Sir, Dad left the vacation because of my behavior. That is why “Dad makes me so mad”. My friend thought he was protecting his kids from grown up issues, when in fact he was transferring the “blame” onto his kids. A casual statement, a fill in the blank type statement, and your child remembers 3+ years later and is still mad at you for ruining a vacation.
Remember Dads everything you say is being listened to by your kids. Comments you make to the neighbor in the back yard, on your cell phone, at the ball game, at the store, you name it and either your kids are listening or their spies (aka their friends) are listening. I once got busted for something I talked about with my neighbors at their house when my kids were on a vacation in Florida. Seems my neighbor’s kid wasn’t really asleep but listening to everything her Parents and I talked about. You may not always be able to tell your children the “Adult version” of what has gone on, but please make sure you don’t spin a yarn that can be taken in any way as something you blame your kids for.
“Dad makes me so mad”, doesn’t have to happen if you take the time to think before you speak. I hope this has been of some help for you. I know there are many moments in my life as a Single Dad I wished I had read this and put into action. You have an opportunity to learn from my mistakes as well as my friend’s. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
As I sat down to write this blog I realized it has been 2 weeks since my last blog. Of course this got me to thinking, where does the time go. After all just yesterday it was the beginning of March, Easter was a month away, spring break was 4 or 5 weeks away, and I had a good plan for what I needed to get accomplished in the upcoming weeks. Today it is officially the 4th full day of Spring, Easter is 9 days away, and one spring break is already over. Time does fly, no matter how prepared you are.
Being a Single Parent is one of the most difficult things a person will ever have to do. I still believe children were meant to have 2 Parents who together raise them. Unfortunately, life gets in the way and the “perfect” scenario just isn’t a reality. So now you have to do the best you can do in providing your kids a loving home to grow up in. That my friend is why time will fly while you are being a Parent. You spend so much time focusing on the everyday needs, you blink and it is already tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.
Reacting to school work, “friend” issues, scrapes and bruises, what to eat, what day is garbage day, early dismissal, ball games and practice, house work, yard work, switching from winter to spring clothes, finding lost socks, volunteering to help at school, that thing called work/job, bed times, tv show times, facebook, text messages, are all part of any Single Parent’s normal daily activities. Is it any wonder that you look at a calendar and realize the month is pert near over and you are way behind on doing “your stuff”?
Friends this is a dilemma which will only get worse as your kids grow older. You must establish systems when you 1st become a Single Parent, which will enable you to keep from missing important dates/requirements/activities (have you signed your child up for summer sports?). Back when I was a new Single Dad, paper calendars and day timers or sales trackers were the best method for keeping up to date with what needed to be done. I found it easiest to treat each of my kids as a sales prospect and include them in my sales funnel. Don’t laugh, it worked. I’d show up to work Monday morning, open up my weekly prospect to-do list and “sign up for baseball”, “plan party for ____ “, “invite ___ to dinner”, “parent/teacher conference next week”, would be listed as to-do’s for the week. Guess what? That to-do’s always got done immediately.
These days there are plenty of “modern day” devises to remind you what you need to do in advance as a Single Parent. The “pain” in using them is that you have to sit down and program the information. However, once it is in your phone, on-line calendar, kid’s phones, Ex’s phone, the info is good to go. Just remember to give yourself plenty of advance notice so you can schedule the actual events into your current activities. Had I programmed my reminder to “write a blog”, even though I went to Vegas, drove to Little Rock, visited both kids,filled out losing NCAA brackets, stressed over packing up my house (closing is 15 days away), I would have written and shared life as a Single Dad the past 2 weeks instead of asking myself “How the heck did it get to be March 25th?”.
Missing a blog or two is not the end of the world. Missing a recital or playoff game IS. Put into place systems that will keep you on track with your kids today and make them become a part of your daily routine. You will be glad you did and your kids will appreciate you being there more than you will ever know.
Now go do what you need to do to….
Make it a super day,
Kevin
The word “busy” seems to be one of the most used up words in recent history. When I ask someone how they are, the first word out of their mouth seems to be “busy”. Busy doesn’t seem adequate enough to describe the life of a single parent. Whether the busyness comes from poor time management or over committing yourself to others, the days seem to slip away with hardly anything to show for it.
As real as that passage of time seems, the reality is that everyone has 24 hours each and every day and most of those hours are not used effectively or efficiently. The excuse of “I don’t have enough time” is a lie. It’s a made up story that allows people to stay stuck where they are. How do I know?
Look at the facts:
If you are getting 8 hours of sleep each night, you still have 16 hours left over each day to do the things you need to do. That equals 112 hours a week of awake time that you can account for. Now, let’s remove, for example, 3 of those hours a day for things like cooking, eating, bathing and going to the bathroom/reading the paper. That still gives you 13 hours each day, or 91 hours per week.
Now, let’s take away 45 hours a week for work and commuting. You still have 46 hours left over. Remove another 7 hours (an hour each day) and set it aside for “Stuff” things like buying food, paying bills, walking the dog, and cleaning the house. You still have 39 unaccounted for hours each week. That is nearly 40 hours each and every week that you can’t account for.
If you still don’t believe you have that many unaccounted for hours each week, then go ahead and reduce that number by half (20 hours/7= pert near 3 hours a day to watch TV and surf the Internet). That is still nearly 20 unaccounted hours each week. Even if your “Internet” activity accounts for another 10 hours a week, you still have 10 hours each week that you can’t logically account for. Ten hours that you have no idea how you spend. Ten hours every week, in a year’s time, that is 520 hours, or 32.5 days that are unaccounted for.
How are you spending those 10 hours? Watching TV, playing games, surfing the net, feeling sorry for yourself? Carve out 30 minutes a day, give those minutes to your kids, and see how your relationship with them can change. I was telling my friend Lynette Patterson, who helped me put into words this concept, that I used my “found” hours to be a volunteer Coach for my kids. How will you use your hours?
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
