Posts Tagged ‘Mom and Dad’
For a “made-up” Hallmark Holiday, good ole Valentine’s Day sure gets a lot of press. Everywhere you turn there is a constant reminder that the 14th of February is the Day for Love. Flower, chocolate, jewelry, slinky undies, and even “Honey Do” projects from the big box home improvement store, are right there in front of you. On the TV, on the radio, in your in-box, in SI’s swimsuit edition, magazines, newspapers, every place you look, there the ads are. It doesn’t seem as if St Valentine gives a rat’s ass that you are a Divorced Single Dad. Nope Valentine’s Day is the Politically correct Holiday so turn the marketers loose.
As a Single Dad what are your choices? You can be selfish and treat the day as an excuse to have your Ex be with your kids. You can be romantic and include your “date” in your normal Dad duties. You can hole up and drink beer and feel sorry for yourself. You can act tough and pretend the “Day” doesn’t bother you. You can treat it as just another day. You can ignore the day. You can realize that divorce ruined a perfectly good excuse to get yourself some.
If you are like me you will probably bunch together a bunch of the above ideas, have yourself one hell of a pity party, and spend the day with fellow single friends laughing at all the “cute” couples, while drinking lots of beverages. The “Pretend” it doesn’t bother you technique. Time to be honest it does bother you and it sucks that it does.
Here is an idea. Start this as close to your 1st “alone” Valentine’s Day as possible. Have a huge party for you and your kids. Plan the menu. Shop together. Decorate the house. Encourage them to invite a friend or two to your “Cool as the Other Side of the Pillow” Valentine’s Day Celebration. Make this y’alls day to share with each other and friends. As the years go by encourage “friends of the opposite sex” to be included. This way you can get away with your new girlfriend being there. Make it a fun time. Make it all about Love. ”A Father’s Love for His Children”.
Turn a sad occasion, a crammed down your throat occasion, into an awesome opportunity to spend quality time with your children and their friends. Make Valentine’s in your house “The Place To Be”. Plus it will set you up to trade “nights” with your Ex. You get Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day, she gets Fat Tuesday and St Patty’s Day. Let’s see you get football and hearts with your kids and beads and green beer without them. This just might work.
Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
Morning radio DJs were talking about the difference between men planning a guys night & women planning a girls night….and the subject of kids and who keeps them came up…..BillyJoeBob (note names have been changed to protect the innocent) said that he made the mistake one time of telling his buddies that “had to babysit” his kids while his wife, MaryEllen went out….and she corrected him saying….
It’s not BABYSITTING if they are YOUR children….it’s called PARENTING
Dagnabit, women take the fun out of everything, even if MaryEllen was 100% dead right with what she said. All too often when “Dad” is responsible expectations change. He gets a lot of credit for being a “good” Dad because he watches his kids by himself. People wonder why “Mom” is being irresponsible and leaving the kids with “Dad”. Yet, when the roles are reversed, it is business as usual. Does this scenario sound familiar?
A weekend is coming up, Dad has an opportunity to go somewhere warm with his buddies and play a lot of golf and drink a lot of beverages being advertised during the Super Bowl. The preparation for Dad’s trip is amazing. He goes to Sporting Goods store 4 or 5 times making sure he has stocked up on golf balls and gloves and rain suits and what ever else might happen. Throw in a few trips to buy new golfing outfits (come on the Holidays just ended and the 38’s from last year are a little snug). Nonstop calls to his buddies planning the drive to the airport, rental cars, rooms, location of all you can eat buffets, Tee Times set, afternoon Tee Times for first couple of days, you name “it” and good ole Dad is making sure “it” is covered. The Big Day arrives, Dad kisses his wife good-bye, tells his kids he will try to call every night, but will remember to bring them something back, leaves for the airport, returns home to get tickets and sunglasses and then heads off on his trip.
How about this scenario?
A weekend is coming up, Mom has to be out of town for business, and no matter what she has tried to arrange, and her Company is making her fly out Thursday and return on Tuesday. The preparation for Mom’s trip is amazing. She goes to grocery store 4 or 5 times making sure she has food prepared and stocked in the fridge or freezer for each day she is gone, nonstop calls to schools and Coaches and Church and Mom’s of kids in the same activity as her kids, neighbors and friends letting them know she will be gone, her “lists” have “lists” explaining every minute of every day with who needs to be where and when and for how long and dropped off and picked up in what order, you name “it” and good ole Mom is making sure “it” is covered. The Big Day arrives Mom is frantic in her getting ready to go. Kids are crying “Mommy don’t go”, Dad is scratching and asking the kids if they want MickeyD’s or Bob Evan’s for breakfast, Mom is screaming, “There is an egg casserole for breakfast today”, she rushes out the door, returning to “go-over” the lists one more time and then heads out on her trip.
This happens over and over again in households all across the US. Y’all may be laughing, but you know it is true. Dad is a babysitter and Mom is a parent. As a Single Dad, heck as a Dad, it is up to us to take responsibility for the minute to minute moment in our kid’s lives and not just focus on the “major activities”. If you can not stop reading right now and say out loud when your kid’s next Teacher/Parent conference is, practice is, scout meeting is, school project is due, or when their youth choir is singing in Church, Dad you got some rethinking to do in regards to your Parenting skills.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing Dads. The minute Mom and Dad get on the plane to head out on their trip the reactions are the same. Shoes come off, chair back reclines, drink is ordered, a heavy breath is expelled, and the thought “Finally 5 stress free days with no home front responsibility” keeps going through your mind. Come on you know that is true.
How does “Dad’s” work toward being better a Parent? I’ll be blogging about this throughout the upcoming week. For now please leave a comment letting myself and all the Moms and Dads who read my blog know some of your tricks of the trade to help you Parent not Babysit.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
As I have been sharing, the Big Move is now entering the 3rd week. This means that I have been going through “stuff” from 23 years as a Married Parent of 2, a Single Parent of 2, and an Empty Nester. Any idea which time period the most “stuff” was accumulated? OK here is a hint; I was a Married Parent for 8 years, Single Parent for 13, and Empty Nester for the past 2 years.
Truth time, I just asked a trick question. “Stuff” has no idea why it is in your house. It is just in your house and does everything possible to never leave your house. I have uncovered “stuff” my Ex forgot (do you really think she forgot or realized I would never look?) to take when she moved out, “stuff” I brought back from Germany and Kansas that has never been opened, “stuff” my neighbors sold at yard sales instead of throwing away, “stuff” that is no longer considered safe for young children to sleep in or ride in a car in or be strolled around in, “stuff” that fit me when I was very big and kind of big and big and a bit less big and a lot less big, “stuff” I was fixen to do (model airplanes, kites, make home made beer kit, hidden Christmas presents, books, etc), “stuff” that broke or was replaced and some day I was going to do something with it, and finally “stuff” that makes me cry every time I look at it because it is so full of memories.
It is this last group of “stuff” that I want to talk about today. The “stuff” that is full of memories. You know what I mean, boxes of photos you were going to put into the still in the wrapper photo albums. 8 big black garbage bags full of stuffed animals. Of course you not only remember which animal belonged to which child, but when they were bought and how they were used (sleeping aid, tag along friend, sleep over not too uncool animal, broken collar bone make it feel alright animal, etc). Little kid clothes that in spite of the food stains look brand new. Sheet and Comforter sets. Sports “stuff”. Family games that may or may not have all the pieces..heck it might just be the box the game was in. 20+ decks of cards which combined might have 3 complete 52 card decks. Little things that went to other things that you know were important things in the life of you and your child. Enough “stuff” to fill eighteen (18) 60 gallon totes with matching lid. All nicely labeled “stuff I can not throw away”. .
Where this will ultimately be stored is anyone’s guess. My goal was to downsize. Not to get a bigger place so I can store all the “stuff” I can never do without. Even though for the past 2-10 years I didn’t even know it was in the closet/basement/garage/attic. I am definitely looking for creative ways to store this “stuff”. After all GrandPa said there was no way it could be stored at his place. Plus the Ex said something about finders keepers but it is great to know where it is. Did I mention “creative ways” should also be thrifty ways?
Thanks to my friend Dave Lakhani, I learned of an excellent way to deal with trophies. You see 2 of the totes are trophies of all shapes and sizes. I remember almost all of them and when they were earned. I was telling Dave I was really having a hard time with these and what I should do. His solution was not only brilliant, but is tough to argue with from a “but they are mine” stand point. What you do is taken off the plate saying what the Trophy is for. You know the brass (or brass like) plate generally on the bottom of the Trophy. Take the stack of plates to your local Frame Shop, and tell the owner you want to remember the accomplishments in a wall hanging (a small apartment wall). Let the frame shop worry about matting and type of frame and material based on your thrifty budget guidelines. Gather up all the old Trophies and donate them to a local youth organization.
You now have a Wall of Fame keepsake, and somewhere in the community an entire new set of Parents are wondering how to store the new Trophy their daughter or son just brought home.
As I learn new ways to store “stuff” I will continue to share with all y’all. Now go do what you have to do to….
Make it a super day,
Kevin
My College roommate Tony Ridnell posted the above as his FaceBook status update this afternoon. TR’s son Harrison just turned 1 a month ago, and the wonder in TR’s life at watching his son grow into a little man is amazing. A constant reminder of why we are Dad’s to begin with. Now don’t get me wrong, I have seen this glow and wonderment in TR the last few years as he has enjoyed the growth of his 3 beautiful step daughters, but they were not newborns when TR came into their life.
This got me to thinking about “the moment” in your child’s life when you knew that this is why you are here on Earth..to be a Father to this young person. I 100% understand that holding your newborn baby in your arms for the first time is “THE MOMENT” you realize you really are a Parent of this most beautiful baby in the world. Unless you are my Mom who when the nurse handed me to Mother said, “I am sorry but this beautiful baby is not our baby”. This caused the nurse to look at Mom’s chart, look at my ID bracelet (I was born in California so I didn’t have my redneck belt buckle with my name on it yet), and say “Mrs Kullander this baby is your baby”. Mom told her “No, our baby has a deformed face”. The nurse is scratching her head wondering deformed face? You see back in those days a Mom didn’t get to hold their child until she was ready to take her baby home. My parents had been by the nursery looking at the healthy fat deformed face kid asleep on his side for a few days now. They had already told friends and family that I was other wise very healthy 11+ pounds, but my face was deformed. No problem with the advancement of modern medicine maybe in a few years surgery could fix my face. Well the nurse takes me back lays me on my side and all the excess farcical skin scrunches up and the nurse says “Deformed like this”? According to my Dad he heard Mom’s scream of joy out at the curb as he waited with the car with no seat belts and no child seat to take Mom and I home.
So I am not talking about when you realized you were a Parent, but the time you realized you were really were your kid’s Dad. Specifically, when as a Divorced/Single Parent did you realize this is who you are and what you were born to do, be a Dad. With my oldest it was when she announced at a Family meeting (yes as divorced parents there are still times for Family meetings with all the Parents and Step parents in the room with the kids) that she and her sister were tired of going to 2 different Churches. They wanted to only go to their Church with Dad. I knew that no matter what the weekend schedule was between my Ex and I, somehow I was going to make getting the kids to Church every Sunday something I did with them. My youngest was a little different. It wasn’t something she said, but rather something she did. While tagging along at her older sister’s softball practice, she grabbed a bat and kept swinging at a ball on a tee trying to hit it. She kept swinging and missing and getting pissed, and finally looked at me and held the bat out for me to show her how to hit the ball and not the tee. I knew then that my summers were shot as I would be on a softball field somewhere loving every minute of it.
I encourage you to take a moment or two this weekend and stop and remember what it was that your child did that made you realize being their Dad was the most important thing in the world to you. Enjoy the memories. Embrace the fact that you shared this moment together. Let your child know how special that moment was to you and how much they mean to you. Seize the opportunity to be their Dad in all that you do and say. Hey TR take a moment and share with each of your 3 beautiful daughters “their Moment” in your life when you knew being their Step Dad was who you were destined to become.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
12 months ago I made a decision to change my life direction and build a business centered on helping Single Fathers be successful Dads. It really isn’t any surprise that my niche “Single Dads” has grown to include Married Dads, and recently Single Moms and Married Moms thanks to my radio partner Colleen Bushby. Single Parents and Married Parents all have many shared trials and tribulations. It is amazing how very much alike children are when it comes to Parenting.
My quest to share the secrets I learned raising my kids has not been an easy one. In many ways starting this business has mirrored my experiences as a Single Dad. I start off doing the best I can, make mistakes, regroup, and figure out what works and what doesn’t work for getting traffic and customers, only to find what worked for one doesn’t work for the next wave of prospects. Forcing me to step back and evaluate what and why I am doing things, pick a new course of action, and jump back into creating my business.
Sound familiar? If not it will provide you have more than one child. Trust me you will make many mistakes with your oldest. You will try many different parenting techniques. Eventually you will settle upon a relationship that works for you and your child. When the next one comes along you are just a tad bit cocky. You have figured this parenting gig out and are without a doubt the World’s Greatest Parent. Nice dream my friend. If anything it gets more and more difficult the more children you have. Why? Simple really, the younger kids have already figured out how to get over on the system you established with their older sibling..side bar..I think the Older Child has secretly helped in this discovery process as payback for the Younger Child(ren) not tattling on them for breaking “Teenage” rules. So you get to start the “what works parenting wise” anew with the next child in line.
Before all the Parents of 2+ kids reading this start to freak out, relax. One of the great things is that while your current oldest and you are enjoying the Parent/Child experience, your younger kids will love on you and hug you and look at you with huge beautiful eyes and say “I will never treat you like ______ does..I Love You Daddy”. If you have a video camera please get this captured forever on tape. In about 3 years you will need this as proof that your now oldest was ever as sweet and loving as your younger and older kids are. Confusing? Only when you try to explain this to “new” Parents, us old timers are sitting back laughing right now.
As I have shared I am in the process of selling my house that I raised my kids in. In order to sell a house you have to do crazy things like dig through 23 years of memories and stuff you have been saving just in case you might need it. For some reason prospective home owners are not impressed with how much stuff you can cram into closets and pantries and special places for storing junk (dining room table). No these potentials like open and bright and airy. I don’t understand when it is time for them to sell the house they will still have the boxes that the movers used when they moved into your place. I only have 1 box from Germany move and 2 boxes from Kansas move that were never emptied.
I am spending a lot of time this week going through and making my house presentable for the people coming by over the weekend to put an offer on my place. OK, maybe they are coming by to tell me what I need to do in order for them to put an offer on the place. Either way, I am touching my past and deciding, keep, donate, put aside for one of my kids, take to Ex’s house (yes seems my basement was used to store some stuff she didn’t want at her new place), or throw away. Thanks to a lot of comments on yesterday’s blog I learned a lot about the “Art of Throwing Away”. I like to think that after looking at the pile ready for next week’s garbage pick up, I am well on my way to an advanced degree in toss away. It is also nice to know that 23 years of clothing (some never worn) will look good on someone else after donating it.
The most important result of this experience is that I have completely figured out why I am making it my life mission to share the secrets of being a Dad. You see as I look at Bike Rodeo Kindergarten Trophies (my oldest rode without training wheels for the 1st time at the rodeo because she was NOT going to compete with training wheels), Athletic awards (Youngest has an 18 gallon tote full of trophies and awards, while I am guessing my Ex has the same tote with our oldest awards/trophies), graduation announcements, report cards, stuffed animals, cook books, bed time books, clothes, etc I realize that the memories I have come from being there to witness what took place. Many Dads have memories of seeing the trophy when they get home, watching Mom read to the kids, sitting at the table and being told what the grades were. They were too busy earning a living for the Family. Their priorities were in showing up for someone else (employer) and not for their kids/family. This is made very clear to me when I see something and wonder “where did that come from” versus remembering “how that came to be”. This is the lesson, the secret I want to share with Single Dads. The ways you can keep your Boss happy while keeping your life happier. Being “there” for your kids instead of “being” there is huge.
I may not have always “Done it Right”, but 9 times out of 10 I messed up with my kids. Not called in listening to what happened and saying the wrong thing. Nope I was there watching what happened and saying the wrong things. That is a gift I will always cherish. That is a gift I look forward to sharing with as many Parents as possible.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
