Posts Tagged ‘Mom and Dad’
One of the smartest things I did after my divorce was to start to listen and observe the interactions between children and their parents. Did not matter if I was in the store, Church, Library, Restaurant, Ball Fields, on a walk, the Golf Course, anywhere, I was always watching and learning what works and what didn’t work. At first I concentrated on “actions” and kept a notebook full of observations. As time went on I added sound and surrounding to the mix. Over the years, I have become pretty good at my stealth fact finding, although every now and then one of my kids will tell me to stop staring and acting like a creeper!
I’m telling ya Dad’s, you can learn a lot watching others. One of the big things I have noticed is the different ways people react to the same situation. We are all hard wired to behave in certain ways. All of life to this point has made you who you are. Because of this you react certain ways, however, at any time of our lives we can change the wiring and start to react differently. I’m sure if you spend some time thinking about this you will understand what I am saying. Think about the evolution of your ability to drive a car. When faced with an emergency you react based upon what you have learned (driving in rain or snow or ice). For example, people who grew up driving in real snow are clueless how to drive in Southern snow (ice).
Along with observing I started to ask parents why they reacted the way they did. Their reasons almost always go back to “That’s how I was raised”. I believe I can best explain this if we use a restaurant as an example. Picture separate tables at your favorite “family’ friendly restaurant, and think back to the kid’s actions. One table the parent is constantly ‘shushing” and giving directions to their kid’s to sit straight, be quiet, don’t put 10 sugar packets into the glass with 5 lemons and water, stop talking loud, stop hitting your sibling, be patient the food will be here soon, etc. Another has no kids sitting at it because they are up and playing video games or hanging out in the front of the restaurant. A third has a group discussion going on about school or sports or the other families at the restaurant. Finally the fourth has a calm and relaxed parent sitting at a table of kids who are clam and relaxed just being kids (sitting quietly, getting up, going to the bathroom, coloring, reading, texting, talking, laughing, walking around, spilling stuff, eating all the crackers out of the basket, etc).
So how can you have 4 families at the same restaurant in the same environment acting in 4 completely different ways? I will bet you it has everything to do with how the adult was raised and nothing to do with the atmosphere at the restaurant. Which way is the best? That depends on your definition of “best”. Table 4 might be best for the adult, table 2 might be best for the kids, table 3 might be best for family and table 1 might be best for making you laugh at the poor adult’s efforts to raise perfect(?) children. There are no right and wrong ways. There are only ways that work best for you. If you see a family having a meal together and you like the interaction and parenting style, go ask the parent to share with you how they were able to make it happen. You might be surprised at just how easy it is.
Now y’all don’t have to limit your observations to a restaurant. Everywhere you go you have an opportunity to see new and exciting ways to parent. Do not feel embarrassed to ask “How do you do that?” people love to share stories about their kids. And we all love to share stories about how we did it right. Watch, talk, listen and learn. That is what being a Parent is all about. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
The Second Sunday in May is and always will be designated as Mother’s Day. As a divorced single dad what exactly does “Mother’s Day” mean to you? Did your responsibility end when you separated or finalized your divorce? Do you get a green light to plan to be “away” that weekend? Do you just write it off as another made up Hallmark holiday? Do you deserve a gift because you are technically both Mom and Dad when your kids stay with you? Have you even given the Mother’s Day dilemma any thought?
My guess is that the majority of single dads can answer the questions above with 2 words, “Nothing” and “No”. My feeling is the majority of y’all need who think this way need to definitely get your own Mom’s some amazing gifts because you obviously haven’t grown up. It is time for you to stop being a hurt little boy who is not gonna acknowledge that nasty woman who you once were married to because she was mean to you. Y’all need to realize that it was you who put the seeds of celebrating Mother’s Day into play to begin with.
I have had 16 years to think about and struggle with “Mother’s Day”. The number of times I have just wanted to crawl under a rock and pretend it didn’t exist are too numerous to count. However, I realized that the day and the celebration of being a Mother, wasn’t going to go away no matter how much I wanted it to. Also, it wasn’t going to go away even though the celebration of Father’s Day wasn’t anything like what you insured happened on Mother’s Day.
I believe that single dads need to look at Mother’s day as an opportunity to honor their own Mom(s) as well as the Mom(s) of your children. The day has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. It is what it is and will never change. The rules are different because Moms are involved. The weather is different in many locations (snow in the forecast this year on Mother’s Day in Buffalo) so picnics and bar-b-que may not be an option. It is a Day to honor Moms. So get off your lazy butt and make sure your kids honor their Mom. Note to Women reading my blog, Dad’s have feelings too so stop your selfish ways and help your kids honor their dads on Father’s Day.
So what to do? Volunteer to take the kids to any and all ball games that are stupidly scheduled for that day. Ask your kid’s mom if she wants to wake up with the kids or have them come over later in the day. Find a florist that you can establish a house account with and use them. Truth time, my Mother made me do this on one of her visits to Buffalo..thank you Mom this is definitely one of the greatest pearls you ever shared. I use Graser’s Florist and they can send flowers anywhere flowers can be sent. Make a trip to the Dollar Store the weekend before and buy your kid’s mom a card, while you are at it go ahead and buy cards for any of the “Moms” who help you out (Team Moms, car pool friends, neighbors whose house your kids play at, etc). Stop basing your “gift” on the “gift” you got last Father’s Day, it will never be equal, get over it. Sit you kids down and watch them sign the card for their Mom, address it, put a stamp on it and mail it. Make sure your kids call their mom if they are away at college or camp or anywhere else.
Celebrate the day the way it should be celebrated. After all even NASCAR takes that weekend off. Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super Mother’s Day,
Kevin
For a “made-up” Hallmark Holiday, good ole Valentine’s Day sure gets a lot of press. Everywhere you turn there is a constant reminder that the 14th of February is the Day for Love. Flower, chocolate, jewelry, slinky undies, and even “Honey Do” projects from the big box home improvement store, are right there in front of you. On the TV, on the radio, in your in-box, in SI’s swimsuit edition, magazines, newspapers, every place you look, there the ads are. It doesn’t seem as if St Valentine gives a rat’s ass that you are a Divorced Single Dad. Nope Valentine’s Day is the Politically correct Holiday so turn the marketers loose.
As a Single Dad what are your choices? You can be selfish and treat the day as an excuse to have your Ex be with your kids. You can be romantic and include your “date” in your normal Dad duties. You can hole up and drink beer and feel sorry for yourself. You can act tough and pretend the “Day” doesn’t bother you. You can treat it as just another day. You can ignore the day. You can realize that divorce ruined a perfectly good excuse to get yourself some.
If you are like me you will probably bunch together a bunch of the above ideas, have yourself one hell of a pity party, and spend the day with fellow single friends laughing at all the “cute” couples, while drinking lots of beverages. The “Pretend” it doesn’t bother you technique. Time to be honest it does bother you and it sucks that it does.
Here is an idea. Start this as close to your 1st “alone” Valentine’s Day as possible. Have a huge party for you and your kids. Plan the menu. Shop together. Decorate the house. Encourage them to invite a friend or two to your “Cool as the Other Side of the Pillow” Valentine’s Day Celebration. Make this y’alls day to share with each other and friends. As the years go by encourage “friends of the opposite sex” to be included. This way you can get away with your new girlfriend being there. Make it a fun time. Make it all about Love. ”A Father’s Love for His Children”.
Turn a sad occasion, a crammed down your throat occasion, into an awesome opportunity to spend quality time with your children and their friends. Make Valentine’s in your house “The Place To Be”. Plus it will set you up to trade “nights” with your Ex. You get Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day, she gets Fat Tuesday and St Patty’s Day. Let’s see you get football and hearts with your kids and beads and green beer without them. This just might work.
Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
Morning radio DJs were talking about the difference between men planning a guys night & women planning a girls night….and the subject of kids and who keeps them came up…..BillyJoeBob (note names have been changed to protect the innocent) said that he made the mistake one time of telling his buddies that “had to babysit” his kids while his wife, MaryEllen went out….and she corrected him saying….
It’s not BABYSITTING if they are YOUR children….it’s called PARENTING
Dagnabit, women take the fun out of everything, even if MaryEllen was 100% dead right with what she said. All too often when “Dad” is responsible expectations change. He gets a lot of credit for being a “good” Dad because he watches his kids by himself. People wonder why “Mom” is being irresponsible and leaving the kids with “Dad”. Yet, when the roles are reversed, it is business as usual. Does this scenario sound familiar?
A weekend is coming up, Dad has an opportunity to go somewhere warm with his buddies and play a lot of golf and drink a lot of beverages being advertised during the Super Bowl. The preparation for Dad’s trip is amazing. He goes to Sporting Goods store 4 or 5 times making sure he has stocked up on golf balls and gloves and rain suits and what ever else might happen. Throw in a few trips to buy new golfing outfits (come on the Holidays just ended and the 38’s from last year are a little snug). Nonstop calls to his buddies planning the drive to the airport, rental cars, rooms, location of all you can eat buffets, Tee Times set, afternoon Tee Times for first couple of days, you name “it” and good ole Dad is making sure “it” is covered. The Big Day arrives, Dad kisses his wife good-bye, tells his kids he will try to call every night, but will remember to bring them something back, leaves for the airport, returns home to get tickets and sunglasses and then heads off on his trip.
How about this scenario?
A weekend is coming up, Mom has to be out of town for business, and no matter what she has tried to arrange, and her Company is making her fly out Thursday and return on Tuesday. The preparation for Mom’s trip is amazing. She goes to grocery store 4 or 5 times making sure she has food prepared and stocked in the fridge or freezer for each day she is gone, nonstop calls to schools and Coaches and Church and Mom’s of kids in the same activity as her kids, neighbors and friends letting them know she will be gone, her “lists” have “lists” explaining every minute of every day with who needs to be where and when and for how long and dropped off and picked up in what order, you name “it” and good ole Mom is making sure “it” is covered. The Big Day arrives Mom is frantic in her getting ready to go. Kids are crying “Mommy don’t go”, Dad is scratching and asking the kids if they want MickeyD’s or Bob Evan’s for breakfast, Mom is screaming, “There is an egg casserole for breakfast today”, she rushes out the door, returning to “go-over” the lists one more time and then heads out on her trip.
This happens over and over again in households all across the US. Y’all may be laughing, but you know it is true. Dad is a babysitter and Mom is a parent. As a Single Dad, heck as a Dad, it is up to us to take responsibility for the minute to minute moment in our kid’s lives and not just focus on the “major activities”. If you can not stop reading right now and say out loud when your kid’s next Teacher/Parent conference is, practice is, scout meeting is, school project is due, or when their youth choir is singing in Church, Dad you got some rethinking to do in regards to your Parenting skills.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing Dads. The minute Mom and Dad get on the plane to head out on their trip the reactions are the same. Shoes come off, chair back reclines, drink is ordered, a heavy breath is expelled, and the thought “Finally 5 stress free days with no home front responsibility” keeps going through your mind. Come on you know that is true.
How does “Dad’s” work toward being better a Parent? I’ll be blogging about this throughout the upcoming week. For now please leave a comment letting myself and all the Moms and Dads who read my blog know some of your tricks of the trade to help you Parent not Babysit.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
As I have been sharing, the Big Move is now entering the 3rd week. This means that I have been going through “stuff” from 23 years as a Married Parent of 2, a Single Parent of 2, and an Empty Nester. Any idea which time period the most “stuff” was accumulated? OK here is a hint; I was a Married Parent for 8 years, Single Parent for 13, and Empty Nester for the past 2 years.
Truth time, I just asked a trick question. “Stuff” has no idea why it is in your house. It is just in your house and does everything possible to never leave your house. I have uncovered “stuff” my Ex forgot (do you really think she forgot or realized I would never look?) to take when she moved out, “stuff” I brought back from Germany and Kansas that has never been opened, “stuff” my neighbors sold at yard sales instead of throwing away, “stuff” that is no longer considered safe for young children to sleep in or ride in a car in or be strolled around in, “stuff” that fit me when I was very big and kind of big and big and a bit less big and a lot less big, “stuff” I was fixen to do (model airplanes, kites, make home made beer kit, hidden Christmas presents, books, etc), “stuff” that broke or was replaced and some day I was going to do something with it, and finally “stuff” that makes me cry every time I look at it because it is so full of memories.
It is this last group of “stuff” that I want to talk about today. The “stuff” that is full of memories. You know what I mean, boxes of photos you were going to put into the still in the wrapper photo albums. 8 big black garbage bags full of stuffed animals. Of course you not only remember which animal belonged to which child, but when they were bought and how they were used (sleeping aid, tag along friend, sleep over not too uncool animal, broken collar bone make it feel alright animal, etc). Little kid clothes that in spite of the food stains look brand new. Sheet and Comforter sets. Sports “stuff”. Family games that may or may not have all the pieces..heck it might just be the box the game was in. 20+ decks of cards which combined might have 3 complete 52 card decks. Little things that went to other things that you know were important things in the life of you and your child. Enough “stuff” to fill eighteen (18) 60 gallon totes with matching lid. All nicely labeled “stuff I can not throw away”. .
Where this will ultimately be stored is anyone’s guess. My goal was to downsize. Not to get a bigger place so I can store all the “stuff” I can never do without. Even though for the past 2-10 years I didn’t even know it was in the closet/basement/garage/attic. I am definitely looking for creative ways to store this “stuff”. After all GrandPa said there was no way it could be stored at his place. Plus the Ex said something about finders keepers but it is great to know where it is. Did I mention “creative ways” should also be thrifty ways?
Thanks to my friend Dave Lakhani, I learned of an excellent way to deal with trophies. You see 2 of the totes are trophies of all shapes and sizes. I remember almost all of them and when they were earned. I was telling Dave I was really having a hard time with these and what I should do. His solution was not only brilliant, but is tough to argue with from a “but they are mine” stand point. What you do is taken off the plate saying what the Trophy is for. You know the brass (or brass like) plate generally on the bottom of the Trophy. Take the stack of plates to your local Frame Shop, and tell the owner you want to remember the accomplishments in a wall hanging (a small apartment wall). Let the frame shop worry about matting and type of frame and material based on your thrifty budget guidelines. Gather up all the old Trophies and donate them to a local youth organization.
You now have a Wall of Fame keepsake, and somewhere in the community an entire new set of Parents are wondering how to store the new Trophy their daughter or son just brought home.
As I learn new ways to store “stuff” I will continue to share with all y’all. Now go do what you have to do to….
Make it a super day,
Kevin
