Posts Tagged ‘Mom and Dad’

Hello again. It has been 6 months since I have written a blog post on being a Successful Single Parent. During this time divorced moms and dads have asked me what I have been doing, what caused me to stop writing and sharing, just where in the heck I have been. At first I must admit, I was flattered by the fact that so many cared what I was up to and why I stopped writing. Many still listened to me and Colleen on our radio show as we shared a “She Said He Said” perspective on being a Single Parent; however, they noticed the lack of blog postings. I guess I could make up a lot of stuff as to why I haven’t been updating my blog, but the truth is I was lost in making a very important decision in my life.

About 3 months ago it finally it dawned on me that I had failed to define a Successful Single Dad, and by failing to do so, I had lost my focus as to what I was teaching and sharing. It was all about making me a successful entrepreneur, and less about making y’all a successful single parent. Once I figured this out, I still had to take care of myself, as I had let my body shape change shapes. When one’s stomach (don’t even try to pull the I wear a 34 because your pants are down around your housing group) measured belly button to belly button is bigger than your chest measured around your man boobs, my friend that just aint right. I was at a cross roads in my life as a Single Dad. I had to either Advance or Die. Harsh reality, but nonetheless the road I was traveling. What are the key things that above all else define a Successful Single Dad? That was my quest as I changed my diet and workout an hour + a day. What were the things I did right which made the biggest differences in my Kid’s lives? What were the 4 or 5 messages I could share that are guaranteed to make you a Successful Single Dad..for that matter a Successful Dad?

A Successful Single Dad is a man who loves his children more than he hates his Ex, who knows the life lessons he teaches his children will affect not only his kids but his grandkids, who makes his children the focus of his life (yes this means going to practice and games, Teacher Conferences, school functions, car washes/fund raisers, etc), but most importantly who teaches his children to be healthy and active through his diet and exercise.

In other words: Stop bitching about your Ex. Start loving her for being the Mother of your Children. Use her given name; don’t call her the Ex or the former Mrs _____. You don’t have to like her or the situation y’all are in. BUT you do have to raise your children as Co-Parents. Do you really want to teach your Kids that you can easily fall out of love with someone because they piss you off? Imagine what goes through their minds when you get upset and punish them. “Does Daddy talk bad about me to his friends like he does about Mommy?” “Does my daddy hate me like he hates my Mommy?”

Your Children will learn their best life lessons imitating your behavior. Make a big deal about having to call your Parents..guess who isn’t going to get a call when his Kids grow up. Always drink a beer or two when y’all go out or you and the Kids are at a party…guess whose Kids are going to think it is OK to drive after drinking when they are teenagers. Ignore your neighbors..guess whose Kids are going to grow up and always have issues in their neighborhoods. Smoke or do Drugs..guess whose Kids are going to be first in line to be cool like their Dad.
Quick look at the appointments you have scheduled between now and the end of the year. How many are work and your fun things vs your Kid’s activities? Do you know when your Child’s teacher conference is? Do you even know their teacher’s names? When was the last practice you sat through? When was the last game you went to even though it wasn’t your night to have the Children? When was the last time you called in sick to work because it was Columbus Day and school was out?

As for health and diet: You need to get up off your fat lazy ass and take your Kids outside and run their little rears into the ground. Challenge them to a game of horse, and love the night you finally lose. Put lights up outside and win World Series and Super Bowls and World Cup games with your kids. Teach them to chip and hack up the lawn. Race walk them around the block. Ride bikes, pull them in a wagon, and have them haul your old man body around in a wheel barrow. Fix healthy meals, plan healthy meals and shop together for the stuff that goes into those healthy meals.

You see my friends your choice is very simple. You can either Advance as a Successful Dad or you can Die at it. Throw some dirt over being a real Dad, and just do it your way. Blame the divorce and become a part time Dad. Lose the most important part of you to your own selfish wimpy whiny ways. I hope you decide to join me for an amazing journey of being a Successful Single Dad. Your Children deserve the best you have to offer. Don’t cheat them out of having the Best Dad in the World.

Now go do what you need to do to…

Make it a super day,

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One of the smartest things I did after my divorce was to start to listen and observe the interactions between children and their parents. Did not matter if I was in the store, Church, Library, Restaurant, Ball Fields, on a walk, the Golf Course, anywhere, I was always watching and learning what works and what didn’t work. At first I concentrated on “actions” and kept a notebook full of observations. As time went on I added sound and surrounding to the mix. Over the years, I have become pretty good at my stealth fact finding, although every now and then one of my kids will tell me to stop staring and acting like a creeper!

I’m telling ya Dad’s, you can learn a lot watching others. One of the big things I have noticed is the different ways people react to the same situation. We are all hard wired to behave in certain ways. All of life to this point has made you who you are. Because of this you react certain ways, however, at any time of our lives we can change the wiring and start to react differently. I’m sure if you spend some time thinking about this you will understand what I am saying. Think about the evolution of your ability to drive a car. When faced with an emergency you react based upon what you have learned (driving in rain or snow or ice). For example, people who grew up driving in real snow are clueless how to drive in Southern snow (ice).

Along with observing I started to ask parents why they reacted the way they did. Their reasons almost always go back to “That’s how I was raised”. I believe I can best explain this if we use a restaurant as an example. Picture separate tables at your favorite “family’ friendly restaurant, and think back to the kid’s actions. One table the parent is constantly ‘shushing” and giving directions to their kid’s to sit straight, be quiet, don’t put 10 sugar packets into the glass with 5 lemons and water, stop talking loud, stop hitting your sibling, be patient the food will be here soon, etc. Another has no kids sitting at it because they are up and playing video games or hanging out in the front of the restaurant. A third has a group discussion going on about school or sports or the other families at the restaurant. Finally the fourth has a calm and relaxed parent sitting at a table of kids who are clam and relaxed just being kids (sitting quietly, getting up, going to the bathroom, coloring, reading, texting, talking, laughing, walking around, spilling stuff, eating all the crackers out of the basket, etc).

So how can you have 4 families at the same restaurant in the same environment acting in 4 completely different ways? I will bet you it has everything to do with how the adult was raised and nothing to do with the atmosphere at the restaurant. Which way is the best? That depends on your definition of “best”. Table 4 might be best for the adult, table 2 might be best for the kids, table 3 might be best for family and table 1 might be best for making you laugh at the poor adult’s efforts to raise perfect(?) children. There are no right and wrong ways. There are only ways that work best for you. If you see a family having a meal together and you like the interaction and parenting style, go ask the parent to share with you how they were able to make it happen. You might be surprised at just how easy it is.

Now y’all don’t have to limit your observations to a restaurant. Everywhere you go you have an opportunity to see new and exciting ways to parent. Do not feel embarrassed to ask “How do you do that?” people love to share stories about their kids. And we all love to share stories about how we did it right. Watch, talk, listen and learn. That is what being a Parent is all about. Now go do what you have to do to…

Make it a super day,

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The Second Sunday in May is and always will be designated as Mother’s Day. As a divorced single dad what exactly does “Mother’s Day” mean to you?  Did your responsibility end when you separated or finalized your divorce? Do you get a green light to plan to be “away” that weekend? Do you just write it off as another made up Hallmark holiday? Do you deserve a gift because you are technically both Mom and Dad when your kids stay with you?  Have you even given the Mother’s Day dilemma any thought?

My guess is that the majority of single dads can answer the questions above with 2 words, “Nothing” and “No”. My feeling is the majority of y’all need who think this way need to definitely get your own Mom’s some amazing gifts because you obviously haven’t grown up. It is time for you to stop being a hurt little boy who is not gonna acknowledge that nasty woman who you once were married to because she was mean to you. Y’all need to realize that it was you who put the seeds of celebrating Mother’s Day into play to begin with.

I have had 16 years to think about and struggle with “Mother’s Day”. The number of times I have just wanted to crawl under a rock and pretend it didn’t exist are too numerous to count. However, I realized that the day and the celebration of being a Mother, wasn’t going to go away no matter how much I wanted it to. Also, it wasn’t going to go away even though the celebration of Father’s Day wasn’t anything like what you insured happened on Mother’s Day.

I believe that single dads need to look at Mother’s day as an opportunity to honor their own Mom(s) as well as the Mom(s) of your children. The day has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. It is what it is and will never change. The rules are different because Moms are involved. The weather is different in many locations (snow in the forecast this year on Mother’s Day in Buffalo) so picnics and bar-b-que may not be an option. It is a Day to honor Moms. So get off your lazy butt and make sure your kids honor their Mom. Note to Women reading my blog, Dad’s have feelings too so stop your selfish ways and help your kids honor their dads on Father’s Day.

So what to do? Volunteer to take the kids to any and all ball games that are stupidly scheduled for that day. Ask your kid’s mom if she wants to wake up with the kids or have them come over later in the day. Find a florist that you can establish a house account with and use them. Truth time, my Mother made me do this on one of her visits to Buffalo..thank you Mom this is definitely one of the greatest pearls you ever shared. I use Graser’s Florist and they can send flowers anywhere flowers can be sent. Make a trip to the Dollar Store the weekend before and buy your kid’s mom a card, while you are at it go ahead and buy cards for any of the “Moms” who help you out (Team Moms, car pool friends, neighbors whose house your kids play at, etc). Stop basing your “gift” on the “gift” you got last Father’s Day, it will never be equal, get over it. Sit you kids down and watch them sign the card for their Mom, address it, put a stamp on it and mail it. Make sure your kids call their mom if they are away at college or camp or anywhere else.

Celebrate the day the way it should be celebrated. After all even NASCAR takes that weekend off. Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super Mother’s Day,

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For a “made-up” Hallmark Holiday, good ole Valentine’s Day sure gets a lot of press. Everywhere you turn there is a constant reminder that the 14th of February is the Day for Love. Flower, chocolate, jewelry, slinky undies, and even “Honey Do” projects from the big box home improvement store, are right there in front of you. On the TV, on the radio, in your in-box, in SI’s swimsuit edition, magazines, newspapers, every place you look, there the ads are. It doesn’t seem as if St Valentine gives a rat’s ass that you are a Divorced Single Dad. Nope Valentine’s Day is the Politically correct Holiday so turn the marketers loose.

As a Single Dad what are your choices? You can be selfish and treat the day as an excuse to have your Ex be with your kids. You can be romantic and include your “date” in your normal Dad duties. You can hole up and drink beer and feel sorry for yourself. You can act tough and pretend the “Day” doesn’t bother you. You can treat it as just another day. You can ignore the day. You can realize that divorce ruined a perfectly good excuse to get yourself some.

If you are like me you will probably bunch together a bunch of the above ideas, have yourself one hell of a pity party, and spend the day with fellow single friends laughing at all the “cute” couples, while drinking lots of beverages. The “Pretend” it doesn’t bother you technique. Time to be honest it does bother you and it sucks that it does.

Here is an idea. Start this as close to your 1st “alone” Valentine’s Day as possible. Have a huge party for you and your kids. Plan the menu. Shop together. Decorate the house. Encourage them to invite a friend or two to your “Cool as the Other Side of the Pillow” Valentine’s Day Celebration. Make this y’alls day to share with each other and friends. As the years go by encourage “friends of the opposite sex” to be included. This way you can get away with your new girlfriend being there. Make it a fun time. Make it all about Love. ”A Father’s Love for His Children”.

Turn a sad occasion, a crammed down your throat occasion, into an awesome opportunity to spend quality time with your children and their friends. Make Valentine’s in your house “The Place To Be”. Plus it will set you up to trade “nights” with your Ex. You get Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day, she gets Fat Tuesday and St Patty’s Day. Let’s see you get football and hearts with your kids and beads and green beer without them. This just might work.

Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super day,

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Morning radio DJs were talking about the difference between men planning a guys night & women planning a girls night….and the subject of kids and who keeps them came up…..BillyJoeBob (note names have been changed to protect the innocent) said that he made the mistake one time of telling his buddies that “had to babysit” his kids while his wife, MaryEllen went out….and she corrected him saying….

It’s not BABYSITTING if they are YOUR children….it’s called PARENTING

Dagnabit, women take the fun out of everything, even if MaryEllen was 100% dead right with what she said. All too often when “Dad” is responsible expectations change. He gets a lot of credit for being a “good” Dad because he watches his kids by himself. People wonder why “Mom” is being irresponsible and leaving the kids with “Dad”. Yet, when the roles are reversed, it is business as usual. Does this scenario sound familiar?

A weekend is coming up, Dad has an opportunity to go somewhere warm with his buddies and play a lot of golf and drink a lot of beverages being advertised during the Super Bowl. The preparation for Dad’s trip is amazing. He goes to Sporting Goods store 4 or 5 times making sure he has stocked up on golf balls and gloves and rain suits and what ever else might happen. Throw in a few trips to buy new golfing outfits (come on the Holidays just ended and the 38’s from last year are a little snug). Nonstop calls to his buddies planning the drive to the airport, rental cars, rooms, location of all you can eat buffets, Tee Times set, afternoon Tee Times for first couple of days, you name “it” and good ole Dad is making sure “it” is covered. The Big Day arrives, Dad kisses his wife good-bye, tells his kids he will try to call every night, but will remember to bring them something back, leaves for the airport, returns home to get tickets and sunglasses and then heads off on his trip.

How about this scenario?

A weekend is coming up, Mom has to be out of town for business, and no matter what she has tried to arrange, and her Company is making her fly out Thursday and return on Tuesday. The preparation for Mom’s trip is amazing. She goes to grocery store 4 or 5 times making sure she has food prepared and stocked in the fridge or freezer for each day she is gone, nonstop calls to schools and Coaches and Church and Mom’s of kids in the same activity as her kids, neighbors and friends letting them know she will be gone, her “lists” have “lists” explaining every minute of every day with who needs to be where and when and for how long and dropped off and picked up in what order, you name “it” and good ole Mom is making sure “it” is covered. The Big Day arrives Mom is frantic in her getting ready to go. Kids are crying “Mommy don’t go”, Dad is scratching and asking the kids if they want MickeyD’s or Bob Evan’s for breakfast, Mom is screaming, “There is an egg casserole for breakfast today”, she rushes out the door, returning to “go-over” the lists one more time and then heads out on her trip.

This happens over and over again in households all across the US. Y’all may be laughing, but you know it is true. Dad is a babysitter and Mom is a parent. As a Single Dad, heck as a Dad, it is up to us to take responsibility for the minute to minute moment in our kid’s lives and not just focus on the “major activities”. If you can not stop reading right now and say out loud when your kid’s next Teacher/Parent conference is, practice is, scout meeting is, school project is due, or when their youth choir is singing in Church, Dad you got some rethinking to do in regards to your Parenting skills.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing Dads. The minute Mom and Dad get on the plane to head out on their trip the reactions are the same. Shoes come off, chair back reclines, drink is ordered, a heavy breath is expelled, and the thought “Finally 5 stress free days with no home front responsibility” keeps going through your mind. Come on you know that is true.

How does “Dad’s” work toward being better a Parent? I’ll be blogging about this throughout the upcoming week. For now please leave a comment letting myself and all the Moms and Dads who read my blog know some of your tricks of the trade to help you Parent not Babysit.

Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,

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