Posts Tagged ‘divorced dads and single dads advice’

The Second Sunday in May is and always will be designated as Mother’s Day. As a divorced single dad what exactly does “Mother’s Day” mean to you?  Did your responsibility end when you separated or finalized your divorce? Do you get a green light to plan to be “away” that weekend? Do you just write it off as another made up Hallmark holiday? Do you deserve a gift because you are technically both Mom and Dad when your kids stay with you?  Have you even given the Mother’s Day dilemma any thought?

My guess is that the majority of single dads can answer the questions above with 2 words, “Nothing” and “No”. My feeling is the majority of y’all need who think this way need to definitely get your own Mom’s some amazing gifts because you obviously haven’t grown up. It is time for you to stop being a hurt little boy who is not gonna acknowledge that nasty woman who you once were married to because she was mean to you. Y’all need to realize that it was you who put the seeds of celebrating Mother’s Day into play to begin with.

I have had 16 years to think about and struggle with “Mother’s Day”. The number of times I have just wanted to crawl under a rock and pretend it didn’t exist are too numerous to count. However, I realized that the day and the celebration of being a Mother, wasn’t going to go away no matter how much I wanted it to. Also, it wasn’t going to go away even though the celebration of Father’s Day wasn’t anything like what you insured happened on Mother’s Day.

I believe that single dads need to look at Mother’s day as an opportunity to honor their own Mom(s) as well as the Mom(s) of your children. The day has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. It is what it is and will never change. The rules are different because Moms are involved. The weather is different in many locations (snow in the forecast this year on Mother’s Day in Buffalo) so picnics and bar-b-que may not be an option. It is a Day to honor Moms. So get off your lazy butt and make sure your kids honor their Mom. Note to Women reading my blog, Dad’s have feelings too so stop your selfish ways and help your kids honor their dads on Father’s Day.

So what to do? Volunteer to take the kids to any and all ball games that are stupidly scheduled for that day. Ask your kid’s mom if she wants to wake up with the kids or have them come over later in the day. Find a florist that you can establish a house account with and use them. Truth time, my Mother made me do this on one of her visits to Buffalo..thank you Mom this is definitely one of the greatest pearls you ever shared. I use Graser’s Florist and they can send flowers anywhere flowers can be sent. Make a trip to the Dollar Store the weekend before and buy your kid’s mom a card, while you are at it go ahead and buy cards for any of the “Moms” who help you out (Team Moms, car pool friends, neighbors whose house your kids play at, etc). Stop basing your “gift” on the “gift” you got last Father’s Day, it will never be equal, get over it. Sit you kids down and watch them sign the card for their Mom, address it, put a stamp on it and mail it. Make sure your kids call their mom if they are away at college or camp or anywhere else.

Celebrate the day the way it should be celebrated. After all even NASCAR takes that weekend off. Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super Mother’s Day,
Kevin

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A divorced single Mom friend of mine called me up the other day and surprised me with the topic of her call. She told me that “I was right” in what I said a few years ago. OK, I love to be right about something, but at my advanced age, I’ll be darned if I had a clue what she was talking about. I told her thanks for saying I was right, but could she please tell me what I was right about so I could do more of that what ever it was to be right. Her laughter at my cluelessness is still makes me smile.

It seems that a few years back we were talking about her kids and the changes she could expect as they grew older. Specifically, I imparted 2 bits of expert advice on the future. Number 1 was that when her 2nd and 3rd kids got old enough to drive she would go out of her way to make sure they got their license as soon as possible and where on the road asap. Number 2 was that her “perfect angel” youngest would one day make her eldest’s escapades seem angelic in comparison.

Yep folks I nailed those predictions. Not because I am a fortune teller, but because I have been there done that and survived to tell the stories. There are many more predictions I could make for that very reason. Been there done that survived to tell the stories is not something you just get as you grow older. It is a gift you earn as you parent your children through out their lives. I know the things my kids experienced, and I bet your kids will enjoy many of those same experiences.

2 very important sources of how I parented as a Single Dad came from listening to older kids and other parents of older kids. I heard the older kids through volunteering to be a Sunday school teacher. Amazing the stories you can learn as a “cool” adult teaching Sunday school. Additionally, when I met a Parent (single or married, male or female) I was always asking them what to expect or be prepared for next. I truly believe that one of the best ways to learn about the future is to talk with someone who has been there done that survived to tell the stories.

I urge you to find your Advice givers. Seek them out. Always get all sides of the situations input..kids, parents, teachers, coaches. Learn from their wisdom. Learn from their mistakes. Learn from their failures. Just learn all you can from where ever you can. I guarantee that entire knowledge base will payoff in amazing ways for you and your kids.

Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin

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As many of you know, I have been Divorced and a Single Parent for the past 15 years. It hasn’t always been the easiest of life situations dealing with all the baggage being a Single Dad puts in your lap, but throughout the time I have strived to learn from my mistakes and go forth with a positive attitude. Tried my be the key word here. I struggled many days, heck there was a 2 year period where I pretty much was just hanging on by a thread, however, I can honestly say the good days beat the bad days 3to1. I still would never recommend become a Single Parent, but am here to let you know that not only does life go on, you can and will survive.

I think what scared me the most over the past years was the “something” which was always nagging me to just say “forget this shit..I give up”. I tried to understand what that something was many different times in many different ways. I just could never get to the “aha” moment where I realized what was always pulling me down when ever I got too up. Deep down I knew something was going on; I just was powerless to do anything about it.

Not a real fun place to be as one does his best to be a Dad to and for his kids. How could I give them my best when I was struggling to understand what was going on in my life? Well the answer to “how could I…” was simple, I just did. Every day and ever moment with my kids I put a smile on my face and willed myself to be outwardly happy to try and provide the best family life possible for my kids when they were with me. I practiced the power of a smile and got damn good at it.

I wanted to share with all of you something crazy exciting. Thanks to a visit to Dr John Turner’s office in Roswell, Georgia, I was able to identify what the ‘something” was that had been messing with me for so many years. That “something” was simple really. It was 100% self caused. I was the only one who was responsible for what was going on. In a nut shell, my problem was that for the past 15 years I had been living a lie. You see on that July day in 1995 when I got the final paperwork in the mail proclaiming my divorce being official, I had told myself, “I am over the pain the divorce caused and I forgive my Ex”.

Guess what folks..Yep you guessed it..I wasn’t “over” and I had not “forgiven” anyone. I just pretended awfully damn well. Or at least I thought I had moved on with zero battle scars to show for it. After all my consumption of Tums and Rolaids and Maalox was nothing more than the results of reflux or some other cool word I learned on the Internet. Thanks to Dr Turner, I was able to realize that I hadn’t put my divorce aside and moved on. Nope, I had just programmed myself to say I was over it. In a very believable manner I might add.

However, every time I called my kid’s mom by anything but her given name, I was only stirring up negative emotions inside my gut and it was time for another Tums. This wasn’t just limited to calling her “the Ex”, it included places I went, food I ate, clothes I wore, smells, going to the Mall, any number of places and things that my wife and I did together. The crazy part of all this was I was 100% clueless my pain and discomfort was because of a failure to move on and accept what happened as happening.

I can now say with full confidence my divorce and everything associated with ‘it” are a part of my past and in no way affect the things I do today. I will no longer refer to my Ex as anything other than her given name. I can eat and experience all that life has to offer on my terms and not on the terms set forth by someone else’s actions. I don’t necessarily ‘forgive”, but I do “accept” what has happened in my life, and I can use that to build a foundation that will allow me to accomplish amazing things. I can be the Successful Single Dad who doesn’t need a medicine closet full of heartburn medication. Maybe, I can put a lot of Rogaine in there instead.

Now go do what you need to do to..
Make it a super day,
Kevin

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I know many of you are wondering how a Single Parent can not find the time to update his blog. After all, once one is Divorced there is nothing but time on your hands. It is not as if you have a wife constantly nagging you to “honey do..” do this and do that. Nope the biggest concern should be if I you should watch the entire Master’s coverage today or sneak in 18 holes while everyone else is watching. Commercials are the perfect time to update blogging.

Normally, I would agree with you. Once the kids choose between Mom or Dad house, you either have a house of chaos or a house of quiet. However, when one decides to sell the ole homestead after 23 years, the last couple of weeks can be very stressful and time consuming. Ok, I will be honest, a lot of the time consuming “things” were in fact me sitting around making to-do lists of things to do, or dreading having things to do, or me fixing to get after doing things that need to be done, or..I think you get the picture. I was overwhelmed with the things to do and couldn’t find the time to start doing them.

I finally got the motivation to start doing and stop thinking. My Agent called and scheduled the final walk through on Wednesday night, a mere 48 hours before closing. I haven’t sold many houses, so the concept of a walk was a bit daunting. Especially given the fact that all my good intentions of packing before the movers came, were just that, good intentions. Being the good soldier I am, I asked my Agent what I had to do for the final walk through. He assured me that boxes and in the process of moving were normal, and I just needed to allow the new owners access to the house and let them do their thing.

OK, now I am back to square one, you might remember I had to clean my house before the cleaners could professionally clean my house, and now I had to pack up stuff before the movers could professionally pack up my household stuff. As an old Calvin and Hobes cartoon once said…”My life needs a rewind button”. The process of cleaning and packing and moving had to begin. The luxury of procrastinating was no longer valid in the big scheme of things. The time for action was here and by golly I was being forced to act. So for the last few days I have been burning the candle at both ends and moving out of my house. The closing has come and gone, the locks have been changed, and I am no longer a home owner.

I got to thinking though, that the process of selling my house and moving out was a lot like the process I went through as I became a Single Dad. After thinking about divorce, separating, paying Lawyers, going before the Judge, finding a new place to live, thinking about how to get the house ready for my kids to live with me, the day finally arrived for the final walk through. My kids and I were going to be “home alone” in our new place. All the thinking about what I would or would not do was over. It was time to be a Single Dad and make every moment with my kids count. Some times you just have to stop thinking and planning and ‘fixing to” and just get after it. Just like moving, I couldn’t do it alone and needed my Agent, as a newly Single Dad, you might not be able to do it alone. I encourage you to look for and find a place to learn about the process. Every bit of knowledge you can learn will pay off for years to come. You can sit around and think about learning, or you can just go and start learning. In the end the choice is yours.

Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a Super Day,
Kevin

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As a Divorced Dad, I am sure that many many times in the past what you have said has been “misheard”, “twisted around”, just ignored. Guess what? It happens and that is one of the biggest reasons marriages collapse. Failure to communicate is way up there according to the “experts”. What we say can and will always be listened to and taking to heart, even when we are not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We said it…we get credit for meaning it.

I bet you really didn’t start reading my blog today expecting or wanting to get told your communication skills blow. Trust me it was not my intention to go down this road. But I overheard a statement the other night that floored me. It has taken me 2 days to play the conversation over and over in my brain trying to figure out the best way to share the message. In the end I believe the best way is to just be direct. Tell it like I have heard it many times in my life.

I heard a son (age 13) say “My Dad makes me so mad”. Now the Dad in question is a good friend of mine. A Single Dad, who went through a messy divorce he never wanted. He is single and his Ex is shacked up with the dude she left him for. Yet here is his son saying “My Dad makes me so mad”. A little back ground. The statement came as Dad was talking about going on a vacation and his son said he never went on vacations with the Family. I guess the ski trip with his 4 kids over the winter didn’t constitute “Family” nor did the week on the Florida panhandle summer of 2009. Nope the son very matter of factly proclaimed Dad didn’t go on Family vacations.

Dad left to go get another pitcher of Diet Coke, and I took the opportunity to ask what his son meant. Turns out that the last couple of vacations the “Family” went on, Dad left early with some sort of excuse leaving the kids to be with Mom. Now we are getting somewhere. The “vacation” proclamation was at least 3 years old, and I know for a fact “Dad” left one of the vacations because mom’s boyfriend showed up and he caught them in the hotel while everyone else was down at the beach. Instead of making a big scene, Dad left. Thinking he was doing the “right” thing. Turns out he was being made to be the scape goat in ruining the vacation.

Here though is why “Dad makes me so mad” statement was made. It turns out in “protecting” his kids from what was going on between their parents; Dad blamed leaving on the 1) weather, 2) work issues and 3) whinny kids. Can you guess which reason his son latched onto? Yes Sir, Dad left the vacation because of my behavior. That is why “Dad makes me so mad”. My friend thought he was protecting his kids from grown up issues, when in fact he was transferring the “blame” onto his kids. A casual statement, a fill in the blank type statement, and your child remembers 3+ years later and is still mad at you for ruining a vacation.

Remember Dads everything you say is being listened to by your kids. Comments you make to the neighbor in the back yard, on your cell phone, at the ball game, at the store, you name it and either your kids are listening or their spies (aka their friends) are listening. I once got busted for something I talked about with my neighbors at their house when my kids were on a vacation in Florida. Seems my neighbor’s kid wasn’t really asleep but listening to everything her Parents and I talked about. You may not always be able to tell your children the “Adult version” of what has gone on, but please make sure you don’t spin a yarn that can be taken in any way as something you blame your kids for.

“Dad makes me so mad”, doesn’t have to happen if you take the time to think before you speak. I hope this has been of some help for you. I know there are many moments in my life as a Single Dad I wished I had read this and put into action. You have an opportunity to learn from my mistakes as well as my friend’s. Now go do what you have to do to…

Make it a super day,
Kevin

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