Posts Tagged ‘children perceptions in a divorce’

Hello again. It has been 6 months since I have written a blog post on being a Successful Single Parent. During this time divorced moms and dads have asked me what I have been doing, what caused me to stop writing and sharing, just where in the heck I have been. At first I must admit, I was flattered by the fact that so many cared what I was up to and why I stopped writing. Many still listened to me and Colleen on our radio show as we shared a “She Said He Said” perspective on being a Single Parent; however, they noticed the lack of blog postings. I guess I could make up a lot of stuff as to why I haven’t been updating my blog, but the truth is I was lost in making a very important decision in my life.

About 3 months ago it finally it dawned on me that I had failed to define a Successful Single Dad, and by failing to do so, I had lost my focus as to what I was teaching and sharing. It was all about making me a successful entrepreneur, and less about making y’all a successful single parent. Once I figured this out, I still had to take care of myself, as I had let my body shape change shapes. When one’s stomach (don’t even try to pull the I wear a 34 because your pants are down around your housing group) measured belly button to belly button is bigger than your chest measured around your man boobs, my friend that just aint right. I was at a cross roads in my life as a Single Dad. I had to either Advance or Die. Harsh reality, but nonetheless the road I was traveling. What are the key things that above all else define a Successful Single Dad? That was my quest as I changed my diet and workout an hour + a day. What were the things I did right which made the biggest differences in my Kid’s lives? What were the 4 or 5 messages I could share that are guaranteed to make you a Successful Single Dad..for that matter a Successful Dad?

A Successful Single Dad is a man who loves his children more than he hates his Ex, who knows the life lessons he teaches his children will affect not only his kids but his grandkids, who makes his children the focus of his life (yes this means going to practice and games, Teacher Conferences, school functions, car washes/fund raisers, etc), but most importantly who teaches his children to be healthy and active through his diet and exercise.

In other words: Stop bitching about your Ex. Start loving her for being the Mother of your Children. Use her given name; don’t call her the Ex or the former Mrs _____. You don’t have to like her or the situation y’all are in. BUT you do have to raise your children as Co-Parents. Do you really want to teach your Kids that you can easily fall out of love with someone because they piss you off? Imagine what goes through their minds when you get upset and punish them. “Does Daddy talk bad about me to his friends like he does about Mommy?” “Does my daddy hate me like he hates my Mommy?”

Your Children will learn their best life lessons imitating your behavior. Make a big deal about having to call your Parents..guess who isn’t going to get a call when his Kids grow up. Always drink a beer or two when y’all go out or you and the Kids are at a party…guess whose Kids are going to think it is OK to drive after drinking when they are teenagers. Ignore your neighbors..guess whose Kids are going to grow up and always have issues in their neighborhoods. Smoke or do Drugs..guess whose Kids are going to be first in line to be cool like their Dad.
Quick look at the appointments you have scheduled between now and the end of the year. How many are work and your fun things vs your Kid’s activities? Do you know when your Child’s teacher conference is? Do you even know their teacher’s names? When was the last practice you sat through? When was the last game you went to even though it wasn’t your night to have the Children? When was the last time you called in sick to work because it was Columbus Day and school was out?

As for health and diet: You need to get up off your fat lazy ass and take your Kids outside and run their little rears into the ground. Challenge them to a game of horse, and love the night you finally lose. Put lights up outside and win World Series and Super Bowls and World Cup games with your kids. Teach them to chip and hack up the lawn. Race walk them around the block. Ride bikes, pull them in a wagon, and have them haul your old man body around in a wheel barrow. Fix healthy meals, plan healthy meals and shop together for the stuff that goes into those healthy meals.

You see my friends your choice is very simple. You can either Advance as a Successful Dad or you can Die at it. Throw some dirt over being a real Dad, and just do it your way. Blame the divorce and become a part time Dad. Lose the most important part of you to your own selfish wimpy whiny ways. I hope you decide to join me for an amazing journey of being a Successful Single Dad. Your Children deserve the best you have to offer. Don’t cheat them out of having the Best Dad in the World.

Now go do what you need to do to…

Make it a super day,

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I thought that in light of today being Mother’s Day, I would let one of my “go-to” single Mom friends share some incredible advice. I have told y’all many times that I do not have all (many times my kids would argue any) the answers. Therefore, I am constantly asking Moms, Dads, Single Parents, Grandparents, Teachers, Coaches, etc for advice on best practices for raising kids. My friend Annamarie is one of those “go-to” friends. Here is some sage advice she shared with me.

“..this may not apply to all single parents but one of the BEST pieces of advice i got when i was going thru my divorce was from my sister’s friend dodi (who’d been there, done that…) who told me you don’t have to bad mouth your children’s father, nor do you need to tell them the (whole) truth if he’s not a role model father/husband/man, etc… your kids are intelligent and some day, they will grow up and come to their own conclusions about the man they call dad…it’s not about shielding them from the truth, it’s more about taking the higher road, not ‘gossiping’, not focusing on someone else’s shortfalls. Kids turn into adults and someday…man it seems forever sometimes when you’re biting your tongue…someday, down the road, your kid will look you in the eye and say something that makes you realize they know…they accept and they understand, and they figured it out themselves! It doesn’t really change anything for them – they still love this man for who he is to THEM…but hopefully they gain an understanding for the other parent’s decision”.

Did y’all notice that you have no clue what if anything her husband did to her way. We don’t know what was involved in breaking them up. We don’t know what her kids came to realize and share with their Mom. All we know is that while her kids were growing up, my friend was able to bite her tongue and not be mean towards her kid’s Dad.  What an incredible gift of advice for those of us strong enough to accept it, Thank you Annamarie. Now go do what you have to do to….

Make it a super day,

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As a Divorced Dad, I am sure that many many times in the past what you have said has been “misheard”, “twisted around”, just ignored. Guess what? It happens and that is one of the biggest reasons marriages collapse. Failure to communicate is way up there according to the “experts”. What we say can and will always be listened to and taking to heart, even when we are not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We said it…we get credit for meaning it.

I bet you really didn’t start reading my blog today expecting or wanting to get told your communication skills blow. Trust me it was not my intention to go down this road. But I overheard a statement the other night that floored me. It has taken me 2 days to play the conversation over and over in my brain trying to figure out the best way to share the message. In the end I believe the best way is to just be direct. Tell it like I have heard it many times in my life.

I heard a son (age 13) say “My Dad makes me so mad”. Now the Dad in question is a good friend of mine. A Single Dad, who went through a messy divorce he never wanted. He is single and his Ex is shacked up with the dude she left him for. Yet here is his son saying “My Dad makes me so mad”. A little back ground. The statement came as Dad was talking about going on a vacation and his son said he never went on vacations with the Family. I guess the ski trip with his 4 kids over the winter didn’t constitute “Family” nor did the week on the Florida panhandle summer of 2009. Nope the son very matter of factly proclaimed Dad didn’t go on Family vacations.

Dad left to go get another pitcher of Diet Coke, and I took the opportunity to ask what his son meant. Turns out that the last couple of vacations the “Family” went on, Dad left early with some sort of excuse leaving the kids to be with Mom. Now we are getting somewhere. The “vacation” proclamation was at least 3 years old, and I know for a fact “Dad” left one of the vacations because mom’s boyfriend showed up and he caught them in the hotel while everyone else was down at the beach. Instead of making a big scene, Dad left. Thinking he was doing the “right” thing. Turns out he was being made to be the scape goat in ruining the vacation.

Here though is why “Dad makes me so mad” statement was made. It turns out in “protecting” his kids from what was going on between their parents; Dad blamed leaving on the 1) weather, 2) work issues and 3) whinny kids. Can you guess which reason his son latched onto? Yes Sir, Dad left the vacation because of my behavior. That is why “Dad makes me so mad”. My friend thought he was protecting his kids from grown up issues, when in fact he was transferring the “blame” onto his kids. A casual statement, a fill in the blank type statement, and your child remembers 3+ years later and is still mad at you for ruining a vacation.

Remember Dads everything you say is being listened to by your kids. Comments you make to the neighbor in the back yard, on your cell phone, at the ball game, at the store, you name it and either your kids are listening or their spies (aka their friends) are listening. I once got busted for something I talked about with my neighbors at their house when my kids were on a vacation in Florida. Seems my neighbor’s kid wasn’t really asleep but listening to everything her Parents and I talked about. You may not always be able to tell your children the “Adult version” of what has gone on, but please make sure you don’t spin a yarn that can be taken in any way as something you blame your kids for.

“Dad makes me so mad”, doesn’t have to happen if you take the time to think before you speak. I hope this has been of some help for you. I know there are many moments in my life as a Single Dad I wished I had read this and put into action. You have an opportunity to learn from my mistakes as well as my friend’s. Now go do what you have to do to…

Make it a super day,

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As those familiar with Internet Marketing are aware, the rules pertaining to “Testimonials” and their use have been changed. No longer can the warning “Results aren’t typical” allowed to be hidden in some obscure font hiding on the page some where. Now don’t get all bent out of shape because Internet Marketers are guilty of this. It really isn’t any different than the small print at the bottom of a car ad on TV where it says the car is being driven by a professional driver on a closed course (don’t believe me, look closely at any car ad where the car is being driven). Additionally, when using a Testimonial you should spell out the “typical” results the average client should see.

Keeping the new rules in mind, I will dispense with the legal verbiage prior to sharing the Testimonial: The following “result” is not only typical, it should be expected. The average Father can and should expect to create lasting memories in his child’s mind through everything he says and does, even when he is joking around with his kids. Your children hear and observe what you say and will repeat their “Dad” stories when you least expect it. Dads I am serious. This includes jokes you tell, songs you sing, stories you tell, noises you make, food and beverage you consume, the cleanliness of your bedroom and/or house, the manners you use at home and in public, the way you treat neighbors and friends and strangers, the way you drive, the way you talk, the way you refer to others like your boss and co-workers, the effort you show when playing sports, all that you do in front of your kids..

Will be learned/copied/emulated/repeated.

The following “Testimonial” was given to me by my oldest as a Father’s Day gift. Judging by the drawing of “Daddy” in the middle of the page the project took place 10+ years ago. The project was to tell 3 stories about your Dad.Here is one of those stories in.

As we return from church, my dad remembers he has to call one of his buddies and tell them that he can’t go golfing with them on Wednesday. So he calls his house/ “Hey buddy…buh bye now”. When he hangs up I laugh and say “I think it is cool that you can talk to your self like that and not feel the least bit stupid!” Big mistake! The rest of the ride he was bragging that we finally thought of him as “cool” and how he was “As cool as the other side of the pillow” (1). That night I went to bed and when my pillow got hot I flipped it over and when the3 cold pillow hit my cheek I could only think of my dad. So when I told him the next morning he said “I kinda figured that that would happen and now when you get to be eighty nine years old and you are talking to your great-grandkids you’ll say how cool I am. As cool as the other side of the pillow”
(1)    Thank you Stewart Scott and ESPN Sports Center for as cool as the other side of the pillow.

I wish I could say that every day since this was written my daughter thought I was “cool”. Nope this is the real world and what ever opposite of “cool” is, I was thought that way many times. But I guarantee you, every time my daughter switches to the cool side of the pillow deep in her heart she thinks about her crazy Dad. Is there any greater gift you can give your child? I think not. Create your moments and stories and memories with your children, never pass up an opportunity to be “cool”, never pass up and opportunity to show you are normal and do goofy things. Never pass up an opportunity to be a Dad your child will one day share with her children and grand kids.

Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,

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Somehow, someway you find yourself in a position that you never dreamed possible. Divorced. Soon to be Single Parent. Your fairy tale ending life with your child’s Mother is about to come to an end. I know when this realization struck me, I was pissed. After all, I had done everything possible to make things work. Funny thing is, years later, I found out from my Ex that she was under the impression that she was the one who had done everything possible to save the relationship. This is not an entry about “he said..she said”.  So no worries my friend.

This is all about you and what you are feeling. How dare she walk out on me..What is wrong with her that she doesn’t realize how great I am? What about the children? Why did this happen to me? I am so mad I could just explode.. Guess what..exploding isn’t going to solve anything.

Believe it or not EVERYTHING that goes on between Mom and Dad is being absorbed by your children. The arguments, the yelling, the silent treatment, the crying, the mean words, Dad sleeping in another room, etc. All of this is being processed by your child in a child like way. They aren’t grown up enough to understand, so they understand as only children can. At a very basic level.  I’ll never forget my 7 years old’s response to our perfectly researched and conducted “explanation to the kids” sit down talk Mom: “Your Mommy and Daddy love you both very much, but we are having some very serious problems with one another..” Oldest (7yrs old): “You mean the way all you do is fight and yell and scream at each other?”

What is a Dad to do? I can only hope you learn from my mistakes. Choose your fights with care. No amount of fighting is going to convince your Ex to come back. Yelling louder won’t get your point across. Fighting with your Ex will not solve anything. So don’t. Why bother? If her mind is made up (or if your mind is made up), accept reality and move forward. What does it matter if you give in around the children? Not one bit. Save your anger for your work outs. Teach your children that even though the situation between Mommy and Daddy is not the greatest, you still LOVE them and because of that LOVE refuse to make their lives miserable and full of fighting.

I know this isn’t easy..BUT it just might be the one thing your children remember most about when Mommy and Daddy split up.

Now go out and do what you need to do to…
Make it a super day,

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