Last night I get a call from my youngest around 11:30. She is obviously upset and immediately my “Father of the Year” attitude kicks in. I am ready to do what ever I can do to make everything “OK” for my Baby. Keep in mind she is pert near 20 and lives 550+ miles away from me. Doesn’t matter Perfect Dad Kevin has his cape on and is ready to be a superhero Dad and make all the troubles and worries and Yuckies disappear from her life.
Guess what? I was 100% WRONG once again. What is it about Dads (males?) that makes them think the proper way to listen is with their awesome problem solving solution generating brains? I hear sadness in my child’s voice and immediately my brain starts figuring solutions so loud that I miss most of what is being said. Many are challenged with walking and chewing gum at the same time (multi-tasking). Why do we Father’s insist on multi-tasking when we should only be listening to our child?
I wish I had a magic solution to eliminating this problem from your life. I have been screwing this up for the past 50 years of my life. Why do I have such a hard time listening, without taking it personal to what my child is saying? I am so ready to be the Answer that I end up missing the question. Not sure how this plays out with boys, but I know that with girls, being a solution oriented non listening problem solver doesn’t win many “Father of the Year” awards. My guess is that boys are no different in their reactions based on how I felt as a kid.
Anyway, last night ended in a positive manner…BUT only after I finally heard my daughter say,”Dad why do these conversations always go like this and you saying the same thing?” It was at that point (1 hour into the conversation) that I was hit in the head hard enough by the 2×4 to shut up and listen. So for the 5th or 6th time my daughter explained everything going on in her life at that moment. I kept my mouth shut and my brain focused on her (instead of me and my ability to solve things) and tried a trick a wonderful friend of mine taught me, listen with my eyes (which is difficult over the phone, but it is possible). After a few minutes a wonderful thing happened. I “heard” my daughter’s pain, and she knew I “heard” her pain. Somehow this made all the difference in the world. She could now share solutions or ideas and I could volunteer to help in ways that I am best at helping. I didn’t solve anything. WE solved a lot.
Here is my “New” Top, #1, Biggest, Most Important GOAL for 2009 (and the rest of my life!)…Every time I find myself in a position to “Listen” I am going to disengage my mouth and brain AND engage my eyes and ears. I challenge each of you Dads to join me in this crusade.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
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Man, what a great topic. Although I am not the father of a daughter, I do have a soon to be 23 year old son. And yes, some things are pretty much the same. I know I have been guilty of the same listening problem that I think a lot of fathers probably have. We sometimes just don’t realize it until someone brings it to our attention. Thank’s Kevin.
My son is living up in Jonesboro, and is attending ASU. He has been up there for three years now and still can’t seem to figure out what the heck he wants to do with his life. Most of the time I get a call from him the first thing I usually ask is , are you pocket phoning me again. It seems the few times I ever get to hear from him is when he accidently pocket phones me or he needs something. But when I think about it I guess I can be thankful I am at the top of his dialing list! But this brings me to your subject of your post. When I do get a call from him I always seem to go into a negative mode and don’t stop and listen to why he is even calling. I always seem to come out and say what is it this time! Then I always have an answer to his problem with out even listening to what it really is. I think I will take you up on your advise next time he calls. I will disengage my mouth and brain and listen with my eyes and ears. next year. I am sorry to hear things did
Man, what a great topic. Although I am not the father of a daughter, I do have a soon to be 23 year old son. And yes, some things are pretty much the same. I know I have been guilty of the same listening problem that I think a lot of fathers probably have. We sometimes just don’t realize it until someone brings it to our attention. Thank’s Kevin.
My son is living up in Jonesboro, and is attending ASU. He has been up there for three years now and still can’t seem to figure out what the heck he wants to do with his life. Most of the time I get a call from him the first thing I usually ask is , are you pocket phoning me again. It seems the few times I ever get to hear from him is when he accidently pocket phones me or he needs something. But when I think about it I guess I can be thankful I am at the top of his dialing list! But this brings me to your subject of your post. When I do get a call from him I always seem to go into a negative mode and don’t stop and listen to why he is even calling. I always seem to come out and say what is it this time! Then I always have an answer to his problem with out even listening to what it really is. I think I will take you up on your advise next time he calls. I will disengage my mouth and brain and listen with my eyes and ears.
Perhaps I should even use the same tactic with my wife as well. I am sorry things didn’t work out for you in your marriage. I have seen a lot of divorces in my family and I truly don’t want to end up the same way in mine. We have been together for 24 years as of September. I would love to see us make it to death do us part. I think if I learn to use your approach of listening then perhaps we might just make it. Thanks again for your post. I will keep an eye out for more good words to come. By the way you are a very good writer. Keep them coming.