Archive for the ‘Before Divorce’ Category
I know many of you are wondering how a Single Parent can not find the time to update his blog. After all, once one is Divorced there is nothing but time on your hands. It is not as if you have a wife constantly nagging you to “honey do..” do this and do that. Nope the biggest concern should be if I you should watch the entire Master’s coverage today or sneak in 18 holes while everyone else is watching. Commercials are the perfect time to update blogging.
Normally, I would agree with you. Once the kids choose between Mom or Dad house, you either have a house of chaos or a house of quiet. However, when one decides to sell the ole homestead after 23 years, the last couple of weeks can be very stressful and time consuming. Ok, I will be honest, a lot of the time consuming “things” were in fact me sitting around making to-do lists of things to do, or dreading having things to do, or me fixing to get after doing things that need to be done, or..I think you get the picture. I was overwhelmed with the things to do and couldn’t find the time to start doing them.
I finally got the motivation to start doing and stop thinking. My Agent called and scheduled the final walk through on Wednesday night, a mere 48 hours before closing. I haven’t sold many houses, so the concept of a walk was a bit daunting. Especially given the fact that all my good intentions of packing before the movers came, were just that, good intentions. Being the good soldier I am, I asked my Agent what I had to do for the final walk through. He assured me that boxes and in the process of moving were normal, and I just needed to allow the new owners access to the house and let them do their thing.
OK, now I am back to square one, you might remember I had to clean my house before the cleaners could professionally clean my house, and now I had to pack up stuff before the movers could professionally pack up my household stuff. As an old Calvin and Hobes cartoon once said…”My life needs a rewind button”. The process of cleaning and packing and moving had to begin. The luxury of procrastinating was no longer valid in the big scheme of things. The time for action was here and by golly I was being forced to act. So for the last few days I have been burning the candle at both ends and moving out of my house. The closing has come and gone, the locks have been changed, and I am no longer a home owner.
I got to thinking though, that the process of selling my house and moving out was a lot like the process I went through as I became a Single Dad. After thinking about divorce, separating, paying Lawyers, going before the Judge, finding a new place to live, thinking about how to get the house ready for my kids to live with me, the day finally arrived for the final walk through. My kids and I were going to be “home alone” in our new place. All the thinking about what I would or would not do was over. It was time to be a Single Dad and make every moment with my kids count. Some times you just have to stop thinking and planning and ‘fixing to” and just get after it. Just like moving, I couldn’t do it alone and needed my Agent, as a newly Single Dad, you might not be able to do it alone. I encourage you to look for and find a place to learn about the process. Every bit of knowledge you can learn will pay off for years to come. You can sit around and think about learning, or you can just go and start learning. In the end the choice is yours.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a Super Day,
Kevin
As a Divorced Dad, I am sure that many many times in the past what you have said has been “misheard”, “twisted around”, just ignored. Guess what? It happens and that is one of the biggest reasons marriages collapse. Failure to communicate is way up there according to the “experts”. What we say can and will always be listened to and taking to heart, even when we are not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We said it…we get credit for meaning it.
I bet you really didn’t start reading my blog today expecting or wanting to get told your communication skills blow. Trust me it was not my intention to go down this road. But I overheard a statement the other night that floored me. It has taken me 2 days to play the conversation over and over in my brain trying to figure out the best way to share the message. In the end I believe the best way is to just be direct. Tell it like I have heard it many times in my life.
I heard a son (age 13) say “My Dad makes me so mad”. Now the Dad in question is a good friend of mine. A Single Dad, who went through a messy divorce he never wanted. He is single and his Ex is shacked up with the dude she left him for. Yet here is his son saying “My Dad makes me so mad”. A little back ground. The statement came as Dad was talking about going on a vacation and his son said he never went on vacations with the Family. I guess the ski trip with his 4 kids over the winter didn’t constitute “Family” nor did the week on the Florida panhandle summer of 2009. Nope the son very matter of factly proclaimed Dad didn’t go on Family vacations.
Dad left to go get another pitcher of Diet Coke, and I took the opportunity to ask what his son meant. Turns out that the last couple of vacations the “Family” went on, Dad left early with some sort of excuse leaving the kids to be with Mom. Now we are getting somewhere. The “vacation” proclamation was at least 3 years old, and I know for a fact “Dad” left one of the vacations because mom’s boyfriend showed up and he caught them in the hotel while everyone else was down at the beach. Instead of making a big scene, Dad left. Thinking he was doing the “right” thing. Turns out he was being made to be the scape goat in ruining the vacation.
Here though is why “Dad makes me so mad” statement was made. It turns out in “protecting” his kids from what was going on between their parents; Dad blamed leaving on the 1) weather, 2) work issues and 3) whinny kids. Can you guess which reason his son latched onto? Yes Sir, Dad left the vacation because of my behavior. That is why “Dad makes me so mad”. My friend thought he was protecting his kids from grown up issues, when in fact he was transferring the “blame” onto his kids. A casual statement, a fill in the blank type statement, and your child remembers 3+ years later and is still mad at you for ruining a vacation.
Remember Dads everything you say is being listened to by your kids. Comments you make to the neighbor in the back yard, on your cell phone, at the ball game, at the store, you name it and either your kids are listening or their spies (aka their friends) are listening. I once got busted for something I talked about with my neighbors at their house when my kids were on a vacation in Florida. Seems my neighbor’s kid wasn’t really asleep but listening to everything her Parents and I talked about. You may not always be able to tell your children the “Adult version” of what has gone on, but please make sure you don’t spin a yarn that can be taken in any way as something you blame your kids for.
“Dad makes me so mad”, doesn’t have to happen if you take the time to think before you speak. I hope this has been of some help for you. I know there are many moments in my life as a Single Dad I wished I had read this and put into action. You have an opportunity to learn from my mistakes as well as my friend’s. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
I was in my Library this morning, and thanks to the Sunday paper being late, I needed something to read, so I grabbed an old Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes “Tenth Anniversary Book” to keep me occupied. There must have been a reason for me reading and laughing and enjoying the magic of Calvin and Hobbes. Can life really be stressful and chaotic when you view it through the eyes of a six year old? I was getting into seeing the stress of selling my house and moving in a completely different (Calvin succeeding from the Family and moving to the Yukon) way. When all of a sudden BAM..I read the following story.
It seems Calvin accidentally broke his Dad’s binoculars. He was being very careful with them. Somehow they broke when he was running down the driveway tossing them in the air trying to catch them. Awesome story, and completely believable because I think I’ve been there done that a few times. Anyway, finally Calvin cracks under the pressure and spills the beans to his Dad. I am assuming Mr. Watterson’s bug eyed, open mouth, ALL CAPS AND BOLD PRINT, depicted Dad as a wee bit upset over the incident. Seriously guys, does this sound the least bit familiar to you?
How many times have you lost it over something your Ex or friend or child has done. For some reason our natural tendency is to get louder and louder and more animated in explaining to whom ever is pretending to listen, exactly where they went wrong. It almost seems to be hard wired into our Dad DNA. Now yelling goes by many names. In my house it was “yelling” and “military voice”, growing up it was “Dad’s having a conniption” (my kids at their worse made my little brother and I seem like we were behaving in church), my neighbors kids always say their Dad is “calling livestock” (that’ll teach ya to marry a farmer’s daughter), so what do your kids call your explosions? You know they make fun of you all the time. Just like you made fun of your Dad or Coach when they blew their lid. Heck that is how we get “blew his lid”.
I was loud and animated and scared myself a couple of times. I constantly apologize to my kids for teaching them that misbehavior is dealt with through yelling. You see even though I stopped yelling in 2002, it was too late. If you read yesterday’s blog you will know what my actions did..teach my kids to be very loud at times. Those of you who are Dad’s or Mom’s of youngsters, please step back and rethink the yelling part of raising your children.
I love the way this story ends. Calvin with tears running down his face says to his Dad “I have an idea, let’s pretend I already feel terrible about it, and you don’t need to rub it in anymore”. What a brilliant point Mr. Watterson. If your child has done something wrong and you are at the reactionary stage of uncovering the truth. Step back and think how you would like to be told the obvious, “You messed up and I am pissed about it”. Then structure your talk in that matter. After all as the story ends, Calvin’s Dad is sitting on the bed apologizing for yelling at him for breaking the binoculars because in the big scheme of things it really isn’t so bad. Heck in another 10 years Calvin will be wrecking the car”.
Now go do what you have to do to….
Make it a super day,
Kevin
Somehow, someway you find yourself in a position that you never dreamed possible. Divorced. Soon to be Single Parent. Your fairy tale ending life with your child’s Mother is about to come to an end. I know when this realization struck me, I was pissed. After all, I had done everything possible to make things work. Funny thing is, years later, I found out from my Ex that she was under the impression that she was the one who had done everything possible to save the relationship. This is not an entry about “he said..she said”. So no worries my friend.
This is all about you and what you are feeling. How dare she walk out on me..What is wrong with her that she doesn’t realize how great I am? What about the children? Why did this happen to me? I am so mad I could just explode.. Guess what..exploding isn’t going to solve anything.
Believe it or not EVERYTHING that goes on between Mom and Dad is being absorbed by your children. The arguments, the yelling, the silent treatment, the crying, the mean words, Dad sleeping in another room, etc. All of this is being processed by your child in a child like way. They aren’t grown up enough to understand, so they understand as only children can. At a very basic level. I’ll never forget my 7 years old’s response to our perfectly researched and conducted “explanation to the kids” sit down talk Mom: “Your Mommy and Daddy love you both very much, but we are having some very serious problems with one another..” Oldest (7yrs old): “You mean the way all you do is fight and yell and scream at each other?”
What is a Dad to do? I can only hope you learn from my mistakes. Choose your fights with care. No amount of fighting is going to convince your Ex to come back. Yelling louder won’t get your point across. Fighting with your Ex will not solve anything. So don’t. Why bother? If her mind is made up (or if your mind is made up), accept reality and move forward. What does it matter if you give in around the children? Not one bit. Save your anger for your work outs. Teach your children that even though the situation between Mommy and Daddy is not the greatest, you still LOVE them and because of that LOVE refuse to make their lives miserable and full of fighting.
I know this isn’t easy..BUT it just might be the one thing your children remember most about when Mommy and Daddy split up.
Now go out and do what you need to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
