Archive for the ‘After Divorce’ Category
Moving from one side of the US to the other side was an awesome adventure/road trip. Although I did not experience too many Clark Griswold moments, it wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part. This is a big ole Country and when you start off your trip West by going South and East, one is bound to run into their fair share of situations. However, with the help of my trusty GPS and an ice chest full of Coke Zero, I survived and somehow made it to Boise, Idaho. Just in time for more rain than they have ever had in the month of May. So I got that going for me.
Now, I find myself moving into my apartment. Do not ever fool yourself into believing that downsizing is an easy thing to do. Going from 3000 square feet to 1000 aint easy, mostly due to the lack of space to “put/hide” stuff until you get around to doing what ever it was you planned on doing with it. Too bad my complex does not have a real garage where I can stash all the extra boxes of stuff. Looks like I will be renting some storage after all.
There has been one awesome highlight of unpacking, and thanks to this highlight the process is taking 3 or 4 times as long as it should. I am talking about the pictures and photo albums I brought with me. I have been enjoying 23 years of memories. The best part is the pictures are in no particular order. I will open a box and carefully wrapped will be Ziplocs of pictures from the late 90’s, another will have baby pictures, goofy pictures, teenage pictures, every year (up until 3 years ago when I switched from film to digital) of my kid’s lives are right there in front of me. I am re-living the “good” parts of our lives, after all most of us don’t pull the camera out to capture sad we use it to capture good.
I know somehow someway I will figure out how to preserve these memories for myself and my kids. Those simple pictures have given me the greatest joy. My decision to be a Dad first has been validated. I would not trade a moment captured in the pictures for any amount of money or job title. The laughter and tears I have enjoyed the past couple of days are truly priceless.
I encourage all of you Parents reading my blog to take some time this weekend and capture your joy of being a Parent. Nothing in this world is more important than the relationship between a Child and Parent. Do yourself a huge favor and create your memories of these awesome times. Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a Super Day,
Kevin
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY
I thought that in light of today being Mother’s Day, I would let one of my “go-to” single Mom friends share some incredible advice. I have told y’all many times that I do not have all (many times my kids would argue any) the answers. Therefore, I am constantly asking Moms, Dads, Single Parents, Grandparents, Teachers, Coaches, etc for advice on best practices for raising kids. My friend Annamarie is one of those “go-to” friends. Here is some sage advice she shared with me.
“..this may not apply to all single parents but one of the BEST pieces of advice i got when i was going thru my divorce was from my sister’s friend dodi (who’d been there, done that…) who told me you don’t have to bad mouth your children’s father, nor do you need to tell them the (whole) truth if he’s not a role model father/husband/man, etc… your kids are intelligent and some day, they will grow up and come to their own conclusions about the man they call dad…it’s not about shielding them from the truth, it’s more about taking the higher road, not ‘gossiping’, not focusing on someone else’s shortfalls. Kids turn into adults and someday…man it seems forever sometimes when you’re biting your tongue…someday, down the road, your kid will look you in the eye and say something that makes you realize they know…they accept and they understand, and they figured it out themselves! It doesn’t really change anything for them – they still love this man for who he is to THEM…but hopefully they gain an understanding for the other parent’s decision”.
Did y’all notice that you have no clue what if anything her husband did to her way. We don’t know what was involved in breaking them up. We don’t know what her kids came to realize and share with their Mom. All we know is that while her kids were growing up, my friend was able to bite her tongue and not be mean towards her kid’s Dad. What an incredible gift of advice for those of us strong enough to accept it, Thank you Annamarie. Now go do what you have to do to….
Make it a super day,
Kevin
The Second Sunday in May is and always will be designated as Mother’s Day. As a divorced single dad what exactly does “Mother’s Day” mean to you? Did your responsibility end when you separated or finalized your divorce? Do you get a green light to plan to be “away” that weekend? Do you just write it off as another made up Hallmark holiday? Do you deserve a gift because you are technically both Mom and Dad when your kids stay with you? Have you even given the Mother’s Day dilemma any thought?
My guess is that the majority of single dads can answer the questions above with 2 words, “Nothing” and “No”. My feeling is the majority of y’all need who think this way need to definitely get your own Mom’s some amazing gifts because you obviously haven’t grown up. It is time for you to stop being a hurt little boy who is not gonna acknowledge that nasty woman who you once were married to because she was mean to you. Y’all need to realize that it was you who put the seeds of celebrating Mother’s Day into play to begin with.
I have had 16 years to think about and struggle with “Mother’s Day”. The number of times I have just wanted to crawl under a rock and pretend it didn’t exist are too numerous to count. However, I realized that the day and the celebration of being a Mother, wasn’t going to go away no matter how much I wanted it to. Also, it wasn’t going to go away even though the celebration of Father’s Day wasn’t anything like what you insured happened on Mother’s Day.
I believe that single dads need to look at Mother’s day as an opportunity to honor their own Mom(s) as well as the Mom(s) of your children. The day has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. It is what it is and will never change. The rules are different because Moms are involved. The weather is different in many locations (snow in the forecast this year on Mother’s Day in Buffalo) so picnics and bar-b-que may not be an option. It is a Day to honor Moms. So get off your lazy butt and make sure your kids honor their Mom. Note to Women reading my blog, Dad’s have feelings too so stop your selfish ways and help your kids honor their dads on Father’s Day.
So what to do? Volunteer to take the kids to any and all ball games that are stupidly scheduled for that day. Ask your kid’s mom if she wants to wake up with the kids or have them come over later in the day. Find a florist that you can establish a house account with and use them. Truth time, my Mother made me do this on one of her visits to Buffalo..thank you Mom this is definitely one of the greatest pearls you ever shared. I use Graser’s Florist and they can send flowers anywhere flowers can be sent. Make a trip to the Dollar Store the weekend before and buy your kid’s mom a card, while you are at it go ahead and buy cards for any of the “Moms” who help you out (Team Moms, car pool friends, neighbors whose house your kids play at, etc). Stop basing your “gift” on the “gift” you got last Father’s Day, it will never be equal, get over it. Sit you kids down and watch them sign the card for their Mom, address it, put a stamp on it and mail it. Make sure your kids call their mom if they are away at college or camp or anywhere else.
Celebrate the day the way it should be celebrated. After all even NASCAR takes that weekend off. Now go do what you need to do to…
Make it a super Mother’s Day,
Kevin
A divorced single Mom friend of mine called me up the other day and surprised me with the topic of her call. She told me that “I was right” in what I said a few years ago. OK, I love to be right about something, but at my advanced age, I’ll be darned if I had a clue what she was talking about. I told her thanks for saying I was right, but could she please tell me what I was right about so I could do more of that what ever it was to be right. Her laughter at my cluelessness is still makes me smile.
It seems that a few years back we were talking about her kids and the changes she could expect as they grew older. Specifically, I imparted 2 bits of expert advice on the future. Number 1 was that when her 2nd and 3rd kids got old enough to drive she would go out of her way to make sure they got their license as soon as possible and where on the road asap. Number 2 was that her “perfect angel” youngest would one day make her eldest’s escapades seem angelic in comparison.
Yep folks I nailed those predictions. Not because I am a fortune teller, but because I have been there done that and survived to tell the stories. There are many more predictions I could make for that very reason. Been there done that survived to tell the stories is not something you just get as you grow older. It is a gift you earn as you parent your children through out their lives. I know the things my kids experienced, and I bet your kids will enjoy many of those same experiences.
2 very important sources of how I parented as a Single Dad came from listening to older kids and other parents of older kids. I heard the older kids through volunteering to be a Sunday school teacher. Amazing the stories you can learn as a “cool” adult teaching Sunday school. Additionally, when I met a Parent (single or married, male or female) I was always asking them what to expect or be prepared for next. I truly believe that one of the best ways to learn about the future is to talk with someone who has been there done that survived to tell the stories.
I urge you to find your Advice givers. Seek them out. Always get all sides of the situations input..kids, parents, teachers, coaches. Learn from their wisdom. Learn from their mistakes. Learn from their failures. Just learn all you can from where ever you can. I guarantee that entire knowledge base will payoff in amazing ways for you and your kids.
Now go do what you have to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
As many of you know, I have been Divorced and a Single Parent for the past 15 years. It hasn’t always been the easiest of life situations dealing with all the baggage being a Single Dad puts in your lap, but throughout the time I have strived to learn from my mistakes and go forth with a positive attitude. Tried my be the key word here. I struggled many days, heck there was a 2 year period where I pretty much was just hanging on by a thread, however, I can honestly say the good days beat the bad days 3to1. I still would never recommend become a Single Parent, but am here to let you know that not only does life go on, you can and will survive.
I think what scared me the most over the past years was the “something” which was always nagging me to just say “forget this shit..I give up”. I tried to understand what that something was many different times in many different ways. I just could never get to the “aha” moment where I realized what was always pulling me down when ever I got too up. Deep down I knew something was going on; I just was powerless to do anything about it.
Not a real fun place to be as one does his best to be a Dad to and for his kids. How could I give them my best when I was struggling to understand what was going on in my life? Well the answer to “how could I…” was simple, I just did. Every day and ever moment with my kids I put a smile on my face and willed myself to be outwardly happy to try and provide the best family life possible for my kids when they were with me. I practiced the power of a smile and got damn good at it.
I wanted to share with all of you something crazy exciting. Thanks to a visit to Dr John Turner’s office in Roswell, Georgia, I was able to identify what the ‘something” was that had been messing with me for so many years. That “something” was simple really. It was 100% self caused. I was the only one who was responsible for what was going on. In a nut shell, my problem was that for the past 15 years I had been living a lie. You see on that July day in 1995 when I got the final paperwork in the mail proclaiming my divorce being official, I had told myself, “I am over the pain the divorce caused and I forgive my Ex”.
Guess what folks..Yep you guessed it..I wasn’t “over” and I had not “forgiven” anyone. I just pretended awfully damn well. Or at least I thought I had moved on with zero battle scars to show for it. After all my consumption of Tums and Rolaids and Maalox was nothing more than the results of reflux or some other cool word I learned on the Internet. Thanks to Dr Turner, I was able to realize that I hadn’t put my divorce aside and moved on. Nope, I had just programmed myself to say I was over it. In a very believable manner I might add.
However, every time I called my kid’s mom by anything but her given name, I was only stirring up negative emotions inside my gut and it was time for another Tums. This wasn’t just limited to calling her “the Ex”, it included places I went, food I ate, clothes I wore, smells, going to the Mall, any number of places and things that my wife and I did together. The crazy part of all this was I was 100% clueless my pain and discomfort was because of a failure to move on and accept what happened as happening.
I can now say with full confidence my divorce and everything associated with ‘it” are a part of my past and in no way affect the things I do today. I will no longer refer to my Ex as anything other than her given name. I can eat and experience all that life has to offer on my terms and not on the terms set forth by someone else’s actions. I don’t necessarily ‘forgive”, but I do “accept” what has happened in my life, and I can use that to build a foundation that will allow me to accomplish amazing things. I can be the Successful Single Dad who doesn’t need a medicine closet full of heartburn medication. Maybe, I can put a lot of Rogaine in there instead.
Now go do what you need to do to..
Make it a super day,
Kevin
