The other day my daughter gave me one of the nicest compliments I have ever received. She told me that it was difficult for her to understand how I never said mean things about her mom. When she told me this, my first thought was, “Honey, you have no freakin’ clue how difficult it was to NOT spew forth venom and vile on her mom!” However, I just said thank you and allowed the conversation to continue.
I do not know why my daughter brought this up. Perhaps I had been thrown to the wolves once again by her mom. Or maybe, she had overheard a friend’s mom or dad talk negatively about their spouse, or it might have been a friend bad talking about a boy/girl friend. What ever the reason, my dau8ghter felt compelled to let me know she “got it” that I didn’t talk negatively about her mom.
Of all the lessons I have taught my kids, this might be the most important one..if not most important it definitely ranks in the top 5. A very wise Counselor, who I was listening to on the radio the month my Ex and I split up, did a 30 minute show on the importance of never saying mean things about your Ex in front of the kids. If memory serves me right, he might have said Never say mean things Ever..BUT I remember it as “in front of the kids”. I vowed to myself that from that day forward, no matter how upset I was, I would bite my tongue and refrain from letting loose how I really felt.
Don’t for a minute think this was easy. I know that because of my refusal to say anything negative in front of the kids I pissed off many people. Especially my Family. It got to the point where they started asking why I was always protecting that no good so and so. My response was, “Please don’t expect me to talk bad when any of my kids might hear, and it just wasn’t going to happen”.
It is not easy, but it is important to your child’s welfare that you do not belittle their mom. Their mom is someone they trust and look up to. They model themselves after her. They fight bullies on the playground who talk about “Their Momma”. Think about how upset you get when someone talks bad about your mom. Why should your children be any different? Plus, why should they be upset at you because you were talking bad about their mom.
You have plenty of opportunities as their dad to get your kids mad and/or upset with you. That is just the nature of the beast. However, you don’t need to ever make your children be defensive about their mom, and defend her to you. It just isn’t worth it. You will lose that fight Every time.
Now go do the things you need to do to…
Make it a super day,
Kevin
